Legal Support??????? Any Support?????

There are times when you sit and wonder why people prefer to remain ignorant to the pain & suffering of those who have been sexually assaulted. I am finding out more and more everyday that we are so ignorant that we don't even classify sexual offenses properly. As survivors/victims how do you think we feel? What does this say about how society views these crimes, or our pain? How can we turn to the law, why should we turn to the legal system if they can't properly define & classify sexual offenses. We live in a society that is enraged when a life is taken, enraged when property is stolen yet ambivalent when someone is sexually assaulted. I am not implying that we should be enraged when a life is taken or when something we've worked for is stolen but isn;t someone's sense of security, their innocence, soul, happiness, joy, etc equally as important? Isn't it worth ensuring they are given justice & support? Sexual abusers are takers - they take from us, they take from society, they rob us of a chance at a completely happy life & still society excuses them, stands by them & prefers to give them the benefit of the doubt at our expense. What a sad world we live in. Survivors of sexual assault live everyday with the scars left by their abusers. They live with the new wounds inflicted by family friends & society daily. They take it all - carry it all and get nothing in return for it. No-one to support them, no one to listen to them, no one to understand by them. SO much is expected from us. So much is continuously taken from us. No one considers the ramifications of their actions. Becuz they come 1st. Their feelings, their wants, their needs trump ours. So much responsibility on our shoulders. I wonder whether ppl believe that we should after all we have been through be able to carry anything. We need support, we need the listening ear, we need someone to help with the load we are carrying.

Commentary

The battle to be heard is a constant one for a survivor of Sexual Assault. Our voices help us feel a bit more in control. We have been silent for so long that not many realize how much speaking up/out helps. Silence is what has helped hurt us more all these yrs. I think it ridiculous when ppl say get over it. Look how far you've come. Don't let him ruin your life. etc - Who are you to tell me to get over it. Until you've walked in my shoes you are in no position to set a time line on my recovery. Yes I've come far inspite of what was done to me- when you stood back & did nothing to help. That doesn't mean I am not struggling with the aftereffects. Don't let him ruin you. When that was happening & for years after I was alone. A part of me has already been ruined. I, on my own, am trying to piece myself back together. I am not sure what ppl think Sexual Assault is. Sexual Assault isn't something that you walk away from unscathed. No, pieces are broken, parts are taken. We work for years to find our way back. I find that ppl do nothing to help us- they blame us for what was done to us; they silence us & then... & then they turn around and have an opinion about the state/length of our recovery. How does one refuse to believe us, but then tell us when to get over something that didn't happen. HMMM isn't that a tad bit crazy. This is a particularly angering day - all the contradictions, all the ignorance, all the threats, all the guilting, all the sacrifice. What for - so that you, those who haven't been abused/assaulted get to walk around freely commenting on something you know nothing about. You think an individual.(man/woman) is raped and society blames them, asks them if they want to report anonymously. You wonder why should they be blamed, or made to feel shameful. A child( boy/girl) is abused & then the parents do nothing to protect, they again silence them & make them feel shame. One is left to wonder, what has to happen for us to no longer be shoved into silence & shame. What has to happen so the abuser is dealt with? What has to happen so that the abused are protected & supported? How much worse does it really have to get. Currently the stats on Sexual Assault are horrendous; child abuse is ever present in the lives of our children, men and women are constantly being raped yet we prefer to be blind to what is happening around us.

The Nature of the Beast.

Silence. Be Quiet. Don’t say those things. Keep it to yourself. You are embarrassing the family. Shhhh don’t tell anyone what he did to you. Why are you out to destroy him, ruin his reputation? These are but a few of the lines that abuse victims/survivors hear on a constant basis. For many of us one if not more of these lines were recited over an over to goad us into silence and for a long time many of us complied. Even when we don’t hear those things it is implied and so we keep Silent and Suffer. When we aren’t pushed into to being Silent we are Blamed for what was done to us against our will. Why was your dress so short? What were you doing at that bar? How many drinks did you have? You went out with him- you  must have seduced him. You started he was all into it, you can’t say no after. You wanted it. You liked? And the list continues. Society has continued to Blame the Abused over the years because it appears beyond the realm of thought that we were the innocent parties that we did nothing but were assaulted. It seems that to accept that Sexual Assault is something that happens on a constant basis is outside the common realm of thought. I am not sure when we became a society that excused the behavior of those who took advantage of the innocent but it appears that is where we are now.

I have found that no matter how many women I speak to, no matter what race, age, class,etc. they all have one thing in common. They were all told - Don’t tell, remain silent. This damages more than we will ever be adequately to explain or anyone will be able to quantify. Requesting/Demanding our silence only serves to reiterate what our abusers told us - That no-one will believe,no-one will care, no-one will do anything. By keeping us silent you allow them to walk freely, you allow them to continue abusing others; you send them the message that what they are doing is ok-that it is acceptable once it remains quiet. You send us the message that we are not worth protecting, that we did something wrong, that we have something to be ashamed of. You break whatever innocence is left in us, you erode our sense of trust in people, you destroy our sense of self-worth, of self-image, of happiness. At that moment and for very long after our sense of identity, of belonging is lost. SO many of us look in the mirror and can’t marry the image with who we are; so many can’t look in the mirror. We are left afraid of our shadows and bit by bit what we fought so hard to bury starts coming back full force - you’re being punched and kicked by horrible memories in every direction. Anyone who has been sexually assaulted is left feeling vulnerable and alone, so much is taken from us in that instant; and believe me it’s not anything we ever get back. We turn for support and there is none; instead we are blamed, we are left alone to stand and deal with what has happened & what continues to happen. We are asked to understand and excuse their actions. We expect that people will understand that no woman/man/child asks to be assaulted. Do you think one walks around asking to be sexually assaulted? It appears that is where the common thought lies; what other explanation could there be for everyone’s actions. 

I want those of you who have been victimized to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you have done nothing wrong. That what happened wasn’t your fault and contrary to popular actions & comments, you are not culpable in any of this. I know that for sometime know you have been told to BE QUIET to REMAIN SILENT, TO PROTECT YOUR ABUSER, TO REFRAIN FROM SHAMNG THE FAMILY - I am saying that it is ok to speak up; that part of recovery is releasing the secret, releasing their hold on you. We have suffered in silence for so long. It’s a hard road back- recovery isn’t easy but 1 day at a time, 1 baby-step at a time and you will make it. Know that no matter where you go or where you are, there are a family of survivors always with you, supporting you. Through time and understanding we learn how to deal with what was done to us; we learn to pin-point our triggers, to address the issues that have arisen because of what we went through. Through time we begin to love ourselves, to see the beauty in who we are, we learn that we are stronger than we ever believed, we learn to accept compliments and to believe that we are worthy of all the good things life has to offer.  Time will not heal all wounds but it will make the road to recovery easier; it will help you to start regaining control over your life. The hardest part of recovery I think, is accepting/acknowledging what was taken from you,what was done to you and coming to grips with the fact that people/family/friends didn’t support you, protect you or help you. Don’t give up on yourself.  

The Journey

Part of our journey through Childhood Sexual Abuse is about coming to terms with the fact that more wasn't done to protect us. That those who should've protected us didn't. When we start letting go of the illusions that we created we begin seeing things more clearly. It will be painful because much of what you see know is what you've been running away from for so long. There are days when it seems that you've had everything ripped from you. Sit & try to regain composure- no one can take anything from you anymore. Childhood Sexual Abuse leaves us feeling tiny and incapable of control. You are in control now. Take it 1 step at a time. Begin too see you happy & whole. You'll get there. We are not beyond hope. It feels that way alot of the time. But healing takes time. It takes time to change all the perceptions we created of others & ourselves. It's changing our mode of thought. Be patient, you will get there. Don't let the past dictate how you live in the future. Much of what we have been through & been taught was negative-devaluing-damaging. We now have the chance to teach ourselves to love who we are, to believe that we are worthy & deserve better lives that we started out with. Childhood Sexual Abuse isn't understood by many who haven't lived it- its along road to recovery but its a road that you can walk.

PROSAF

We want you all to know that we are happy that you have joined us onhttp://www.prosaf.org/; but we want this site to be not only for us and our journey to recovery & happiness but also about you and your journey. We have our ideas on what this site should have but we welcome your thoughts on what you want from us. What you would like to read. So please feel free to post and let us know your thoughts. The SSAITCO tab deals with Sexual Assault & the TTPO tab deals with ThePower OfOne. Any questions or comments can also be sent to ssaitco@hotmail.com . Thank you for joining us. PROSAF is your chance to speak up & out, to find support & resources, to find family who understands what u've been through & what you are going through. We value your input, we want it - let us know what you want us to include on the PROSAF site.

You are not alone.

The Beginning - Our Future

It’s a little over a year since the creation of the “Surviving Sexual Abuse in the Caribbean” Facebook and the power of one page https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908 / https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF_ThePower-OfOne/167808243298256?ref=pb and about 8-10 months since the creation of the twitter pages- http://twitter.com/#!/PROSAF_Sueezzy / http://twitter.com/#!/VelikaLawrence .We have recently invested and created our own website http://www.prosaf.org/ . PROSAF - Positive Reactions Over Secrets And Fear; was created to give survivors the chance to share their stories in a supportive environment.

The creation of these sites meant having to face the fact that I was sexually abused by my older half brother, It meant understanding that I would have to face the comments and judgments that came with this decision to speak up and out about my past and how it has impacted me and continues to affect me. It meant coming to grips with the fact that society is quicker to absolve and believe those who abuse that to support and believe those who are being/have been abused. It meant understanding the grave epidemic that affects out country-sexual assault is more common than we are willing to  believe and more common than statistics show. Sexual Assault is one of the most under-reported crimes an contrary to popular belief it isn’t about sex but about power & control over another human being.  In the end the decision to do it all was worth it. There is a large part of me that feels liberated and free for taking the opportunity to do this- a chance to let other survivors know they are not alone; that we are a family of survivors, that there is hope for the future.  

I knew when I left college that I wanted to find a way to change our circumstances in St.Lucia. I wanted to actually stand up for women’s rights, for their right to freedom, to voice their opinions, for their rights to be seen and treated as individuals who are worthy, to fight for their right to be treated properly. I think speaking out allows us to take a step in the right direction; we are no longer holding onto this secret, we are no longer protecting our abusers. Speaking out also allows you to voice what happened, to face it, it helps break down some of the illusions you created that you so desperately needed to get through your horrible times. Addressing the issues that arise with Childhood Sexual Abuse, Rape & various forms of Sexual Assault isn’t easy but it is necessary. 

I fooled myself into believing that I could shut the door, not address and it would just go away but that hasn’t been the case. I can tell you that the issues that arise out of what we have been through don’t just disappear, it takes hard work and time to get through it. At some point we have to be honest with ourselves and face the harsh realities of what has been done to us. I have found that in order for us to heal we have to face it, we have to address it. That is what these sites were created to do; to give you a safe place to voice what happened to you, how you felt, how you feel, to give you the chance to be surrounded by people who went through the something similar and to be able to get resources that can help.

PROSAF- Positive Reactions Over Secrets & Fear is comprised of  2 sections SSAITCO-Surviving Sexual Abuse in The Caribbean and  ThePower Ofone created by Velika Lawrence- below she explains in her own words what ThePower Ofone is.  ThePower Ofone refers to the idea that each individual and each single family unit are capable and have a responsibility to each other, and to society as long as they are existing. Growing up under circumstances where I found herself having to adapt and move forward constantly in changing environments, I recognized that most of my peers did not have the aptitude that I did. I was fortunate enough to have parents who were committed to educating my siblings and myself  in age appropriate methods, about life and its many challenges and harsh realities. I realized that most people I grew up with did not have the advantage of understanding the value of perspective and reality, with the option of various tools for coping with emotions and facts. I have found that the majority of people in our communities are complacent and feel comfortable with being apathetic and irresponsible. This attitude and approach to life in general does promote the overall quality of life. The goal of ThePower Ofone is to encourage a more progressive perspective in all communities. There is a great need for all forms of education at all levels and ages and a need to redefine the responsibility of ever member of society; starting in the home.

The idea behind PROSAF- Positive Reactions of Secrets & Fear, was to educate, empower, support & inspire all to make change, to seek change and to understand the need for change.  Over time we have grown  connected to the triumphs over challenges faced in the family & our daily lives because of our experiences. Dealing with the feelings of fear, confusion and anger, self worth were a huge part of the steps to move forward. We have found that in seeking support from others, we came into contact with many others who have suffered similar experiences. This motivated us to be part of the change we wanted for ourselves and for others who are still trapped physically and psychologically. PROSAF is our contribution to the steps to move forward through challenges faced by the family unit and the effect of sexual abuse on a victim or survivor. 

Different Part of the Past

What Happened::Sou,28

I am a survivor of Sibling Sexual Abuse. Somedays I feel like a victim but most days I know I am a survivor. I was born in the beautiful island of St.Lucia in the Caribbean. I come from a family of 5 with my abuser being the 6th. He is my older half brother. I suffered quite a bit at his hands and have been slowly putting the pieces back together. Some days are harder than other but I know that through it all I am stronger and wiser and while he has stolen much from me; there is hope for me to be whole again. My abuse does’t define me; it is something that he did to me; it is not who I am.

I am the second child of my mother but 1st for my father. I came along and maybe stole some of his thunder. So from the age of about 4 my sexual abuse started and later included physical and psychological. My memories of what exactly were done to me when I was young have been carefully tucked away for so long that trying to get to them has been hard. I couldn’t tell you how it started but I remember the progressions. My earliest memory of something being wrong was about 4; we were playing on a bed under the sheets. I can’t tell you what exactly happened but I have the memory of someone asking what was going on and saying this would be discussed when my mom got home. I can’t tell you if the discussion ever took place I don’t remember but if it did it never stopped him if anything it made him go further. That I believe was the beginning. He would offer to read to me at nights and wait until I fell asleep to get under the covers behind me. Then he would push it between my legs from behind. I would squeeze my legs together to push it out but that never stopped him; in fact it caused him to push harder. I learned to stop and just let it happen. Once he was done he would get up and leave. I tried to fight falling asleep but he would wait until Id fallen asleep to come back. I would say I didn’t want him to read to me but then the questions would come as to why I didn’t want him reading. He was always so eager to read my parents thought it was good for us both. There is one memory that has stuck with me no matter what I do. He has me kneeling on the floor and he’s behind me- the next thing I know I have sperm running down my legs, my mom has just pulled into the drive way and he says go clean up. He walks out like nothing has happened and my mom never suspects a thing. 

The threats of being hated by my parents if I told were a constant. They will be angry at you he would say; they will never do me anything. And years after I sit and think he was right all along. They never did him anything he was never punished, never reprimanded. Im not sure what I expected but I didn’t expect him to get away with it. I confront him every chance I get; because for the most part I believe I am not believed. He used to deny it but not he just says and so what. His stories as to what happened and how many times it happened and why it happened vary constantly. Then i sit and reflect on what he’s done to me, what he’s said to me and how that has made me feel and can’t find it in me to ever forgive him.  I can’t see how anyone else can forgive him. He lives at home with my parents now; and once again it feels like I am the one who has done something wrong. My aunt has told me to stop trying to ruin his life; that I should remain silent. My cousin has said that he didn’t know what he was doing. He is 9 years older than me. That would have made him 13 when he started abusing me. And if he didn’t know then then how does he explain the next 7 years of abuse? And if he didn’t know what he was doing was wrong then why threaten me?

For a long time I have hated me. Never really felt that I fit in anywhere or that I belonged. Never thought that I was worthy of love. Never liked what I saw in the mirror when I saw anything at all. I have made my body my canvas and sought to surround myself with images of strength and beauty. I think that all of us who are survivors of sexual assault deal with these issues. We lose who we are through the abuse and have a hard time trying to find a way back. But there is always a path that leads to happiness and fulfillment. Its not always an easy road but we are survivors. We are not alone in our pursuit of happiness there are other walking beside us, ahead of us and behind us. Don’t give up or in. Our voices will lead us to freedom. We speak out to help ourselves and those around us. This is a battle for many.

I fight for women of the Caribbean who are afraid to speak out. 

Domestic Abuse, Molestation & Betrayal by Xynobia Froliquor Law

Domestic Abuse, Molestation and Betrayal1Problem(Circumstance). 2Solution(Reaction). 3Responisbility(Blame vs Acceptance). 
There is always a choice...  

1. From age 3 I can remember the tension in the house. The sadness. The fear. The anger. The Hurt. The struggle of my young mother trying to do her best with our "situation". The physical and verbal abuse meted out by my biological father to my mother finally led to the end of ten years of their marriage.
 
I was 8 when I realized what my young uncle had done was wrong even if he was 10yrs old at the time. He was also a victim of circumstances but the damage had been done.  I would pray at night for me to stop hurting myself the way he would hurt me. I struggled for years with this problem until about age 17. I was disappointed in myself, I was angry and I was scared. I felt stupid for "allowing" it to hurt me the way "i let it"- guilt. I felt I was still "better off" than many others who had actually been raped but a violation is just that, a violation.  
 
I was 18, I trusted a friend who took advantage of me in his father's house. His family was home. I was too embarrassed to say anything. I just layed there and prayed that it would be over soon. I left the house. Smiled like nothing ever happend. I was angry. Why wasnt I strong enough to fight him off? I didnt tell anyone so I would see him in common circles and was left alone with him again and he tried again. Then one day very long after I accepted a ride from him. I cant explain what I could have been hoping or thinking. There was a time when I guess I just felt that worthless. I thought I could reason with him. I don't know. Writing this years later it puzzles me. I suppose that is how low i was.
 
I was 22 when I was moving into my new apartment. I asked a "good friend" of mine to help. He took advantage of me. I did nothing. I layed there. I didnt even fight him off too much because I didnt want to make my new landlords get the wrong idea of me. Is it that I wasn't learning my lesson? Is it that men or people cannot be trusted? Out of all the people I've met, those three are the only ones who ever betrayed me in that way. I cannot go around living my life in fear. I tell myself that but at times I get paranoid about people. It twists your mind and toys with your emotions. You question your judgement. You blame yourself. 
 
I live with a diagnosis as a result of molestation which I only confirmed at age 23, because in the beginning there were no signs and I was not severly affected by it. This has caused me great distress and depression. I have gone to bed hoping never to akwaken. I have been to the lowest place in my life that I am ever going to allow my mental and emotional states to sink to. I felt totally worthless/ugly and destroyed and I WILL NEVER ALLOW ANYONE OR ANYTHING TO MAKE ME QUESTION MY WORTH AGAIN. 
 
My circumstances, like everyone else's have made me the woman I am today. I have put myself in situations that were dangerous because of my low self esteem. I have challenged myself to rise above that low consciousness. Self sabotage is very serious. I'd like to think that I'm continuing learning from the tests I been allowed to take in this life. People try to undervalue or over value what I went through for unbalanced conveniences but their negative contributions have no weight on my mind and heart. I have been cursed with a blessing; the ability to proactively and humbly seek and accept the truth- at all cost to myself. 


I am hard on the man I love because I always feel like I want to know the truth so badly. I find myself being over protective in that way. I rather live one milisecond of truth and happiness than a lifetime of false bliss. Ignorance is bliss is most definitely not my motto. I find that if someone is to live that way it simply encourages lies, and incomplete truths. I feel that if you are going to hurt me today or tomorrow, you may as well hurt me now and get it over with. This can sometimes come out like I have no patience. I dont exactly know how but I suppose it can be a bit unfair. However, it is the way I know. For me it is what works. I am willing to modify and improve but that will take time. Like everything else in life it is a process. To me there is no such thing asTMI when it comes to the people in your life who you affect or have an effect on. As relatives of each other, I feel that it is important to always be honest and open minded about our elvolving situations. It is important to ask the right questions, seek the right answers and never get complacent.
 
2. Not every circumstance has a direct solution on you. Your reaction and perception of what happens and why it happens has a lot of weight on how we cope effectively. It is a long process but it is not impossible to rise and heal. I was blessed to be raised spiritually and to have family support when I decided to finally unfold. It has been extremely hard but everyday is different.  Every step forward is progress and I will get where I need to be. Just as all of us will. The challenge is taking that first step and realizing that you are not alone. Our reactions and solutions will vary based on our peerceived ability,support and circumstance but please promise yourself to try. I dont care if you have to cry every day till you throw up like I did. YOU DESERVE MENTAL FREEDOM to take care of you. Start somewhere please.

3. Our responsibilty to ourselves is all that we have. Being a victim there is not much support or understanding at all. NO GUIDANCE...no one knows WHERE TO GO FROM HERE. You are forced to quiickly heal/get over it/move on etc. Most people on the outside looking in dont understand at all. They wish you would shut up. They want to protect themselves and a perfect concept of society. A lot of victims have LIED TO THEMSELVES AND ALLOWED THEMSELVES TO FORGET IT EVER HAPPENED. You cannot hide from youself or experiences. Please understand you are not just a victim- you are a survivor and you can grow/heal/help by being honest with yourself and others.
 
I commend anyone who is able to speak out about their unfortunate experiences period. Being a victim of sexual harassment or abuse like many circumstances, is not easy to deal with. The stages you go through are underestimated; coming to terms and accepting the reality of what happened, waking up everyday after it happened, enduring and adjusting if it is a persistent problem, finding someone to trust with your experience, actually trusting them and telling them the whole truth without trying to lie about it for fear it makes you sound remotely responsible, coping with the fact that you have just let out a big "negative truth" about yourself to someone and hoping that you can actually trust them, dealing with their reaction and using that as a basis for what other people may say or do if you told them or they found out, actually finally coping successfully and being able to separate that bad experience from other relationships. It's a continuous challenge. 
 
Society encourages fear. They want us to protect the abuser and their loved ones. That is an unfair burden to carry. We already deal the the violation; physical, mental, emotional, psychological pain and unexplainable/unjustifiable guilt. It takes a humility, courage and strength to speak out again any form of abuse.  I remember when I finally started opening up about my experiences. I found out about so many people who went through similar situations. WHY DON'T WE SPEAK?. It made me feel like hypocrite. I have a little sister, friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, (lets not leave out men and strangers). It is not your fault if someone chooses to violate you. Sadly however, it is your responsibility as a survivor to speak out about it. I know if the people who hurt me hurt someone else I would feel guilty for not giving the next person a heads up about the characteristics of the man or woman they are about to come into contact with. Yes I understand you cant save everyone but at least speaking out provides comfort and support for other people who have it worse. Know that you are not alone. It does get better and I do believe with the right support it can eventually go away. At least the day will come when it is not the first thing you wake up with on your mind.
 
I will will leave you with this as my main point. In all areas you will find people better off and worse off. Learn from the ignorant and the wise. Pray. Every step forward is progress - no matter how minimal...you are making progress nonetheless. Even when people try to put you down about your situations or try to make you feel as though you should have known better you didn't do it to yourself- THAT PERSON HAD A CHOICE -THEY NEED HELP. Learn to forgive. DO NOT FORGET. In some instances we allow people to treat us without respect. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!- and remove yourself from a bad situation. You can have all the help and support in the world but until you love yourself...nothing can be done...
 
I dedicate my life to being a servant of the people by providing love and a listening ear...Ability without utility is waste and I am grateful to have made it this far...I only want to grow.
 
Thank you Soubi for doing this. Keep on keeping on. I appreciate your support and your daring nature. "Ever onward and upward-Ever forward and faster"(Wind In The Willows)

Time To Stand

I am a survivor of sexual abuse (incest) my older half brother thought it was ok to rob me of my innocence at a young age. I have learnt through it all that abuse is not who we are it is what was done to us, it is something we went through. Something was taken from us and as surprising as it is very few seem to care or understand. I will not say this is the world we live in as this is not an excuse; there is no excuse for how we were treated or how we are being treated. We have fought to make it through; we have struggled to see a light at the end, we stood alone for most of it. I know what it feels like to want to give up, to want to run away, but giving up never made the issue easier, running away doesn’t allow us to leave our memories behind. We can’t give up; this is your life, your fight, your right to happiness. We expected more from those around us but we didn’t get it and we are still here going strong. So why give up now. As alone as you feel sometimes, know that there are many out there who know what you are going through; some have been where you are and conquered it others haven’t gotten there; it's a process. The time has come for us to start sharing our stories, to start building a community where we learn from each other, where we support each other, where we begin to change the way sexual abuse is dealt with. No longer should will we be guilted or forced into silence. Its time to speak out Loudly. Share your stories, as i’ve learnt, you’d be surprised who among you, who close to you has been through something similar. We will create our own little support center. If you’re not ready to come forth on facebook please use the freeforums page(http://survivingsexualabuse.freeforums.org/) ; create your own name and free feel to ask questions, share your story, or if you just need to vent we are also there for that.

Where do you stand?

Who stands with us? Who fights for us? I find more and more than no one stands up for us and we are the only ones that can fight for ourselves. I guess one of life’s lessons is that you should learn not to expect anything from anyone, always be willing to stand up for yourself and fight for what you want. History has shown that our families remain silent; they treat our abusers like welcomed family members; they support them and care for them while we stand alone wondering what we did that was so wrong that we would be abused, that we would have our lives forever altered, that we would now have to deal with all the issues that arise because of what we have been through. With all of that on our plates we turn around and notice that we are left standing alone, our immediate family has chosen to pretend it didn’t happen, or to blame us for it, or to guilt us into silence. Our extended family is equally stupid in behaving like what we went through and what we continue to go through is water under the bridge; that we deserve to constantly have to see their love and concern towards someone who hurt us so deeply and feel their hatred and disappointment if we decide to speak out. I have come to notice that having family believe or stand with you is the rare exception.

I always thought that in many cases you had to have gone through it to understand what we have to deal with. I know this is a heavy remark to make and I am sure there are those who haven’t been through it or witnessed it that are able to respond more adequately to the situation. I would like to know how many of you with children would allow someone who has been previously accused of sexual assault into your homes, into your children’s bedrooms? Is it ok because it  happened to us, because you can’t fathom the damage done that he should be accepted and in many ways chosen over us? I don’t know how many of you have dealt with this situation or anything similar but it puzzles me as to how we divide who considered falls into the pedophile, creepy relative/friend file and who gets to walk around freely unpunished for their crimes. DO we react differently when it is our children who are hurt. But history has shown that not even that makes a difference. SO the question is what will it take to make things better, what will take to make people realize how detrimental all of this is. It affects us all whether we know it or not. 

Addressing Sexual Abuse

Many harp on the fact that something precious and sacred was taken at a young age if you were abused as a child. Something precious and sacred is taken no matter what age you are when sexual abuse/assault occurs. There are signs when the abuse occurs at a younger age. There are always signs many either don't know what to look for or prefer not to acknowledge what is happening; either of the above is saddening. Children should be protected. People fail to see that what is taken isn't something that you can get back. You can and will learn to deal with what has happened and get through life; but things will never be as they were before. You have seen the darker side of human nature, you understand first hand what people are capable of and so you will never again bask in the glow of ignorance. Your trust in people is shattered especially when no one come to your aid/defense. People try to rationalize what has happened and find excuses for the abuser, they even go so far as to blame the survivor, or insinuate that in some way it was enjoyed or wanted or a direct result of something we did or said. And so to those of you out there I say if you can’t say something intelligent please do us all a favor and remain quiet.We are taunted by our abusers words “You know you wanted it, You know you liked it.”

This is part of what is wrong with our world; we excuse the wrong doing of those we consider to be above the law; set a part by their wealth, beauty, brains, social status, etc.. We let those who are close to us or related to us off the hook for the crimes they have committed because they are family, because doing something about it would shame the family, and the excuses continue. We live in a society that wants women to imprison themselves in their homes (not that they are any safer there), we live in a society that says women should always be covered up, that says women shouldn't be assertive. We blame the survivor when it was never their fault, we ask them to excuse their abuser, to take into consideration what the abuser may have gone through, to look at their age, to examine how deep their pocket is etc...... how much more of ourselves are we expected to give up, where does it end for us, when does it become about what we went through, what we are going through and how we are dealing with it? No one asks to be sexually assaulted, no one asks to be raped, no one wants to be violated, no one asks to have parts of themselves stolen. Sexual Abuse isn’t only about the destruction/annihilation of one’s innocence but also about the disruption/eruption of their trust in people and the world around them. Everything that you are building as a child is all at once questioned; who do you trust, why is this happening, why is no one stopping it/protecting you. If you are an adult you see everyone as a potential threat, you blame yourself, question how it could have been avoided. SexualAbuse/Assault affects the abused at the very core of their being.

I make this public plea to start speaking up or helping in anyway to make a difference as Sexual abuse is on the rise in St.Lucia; 2 women were raped recently and we only know this because they came forward; there are still many who remain silent. Enough is not being done to protect survivors of sexual abuse, enough is not being done to bring those who offend to justice. Sexual abuse/assault is something that needs to be dealt with Caribbean wide. We can no longer continue to use the excuse “This is the Caribbean, what do you expect?”, we have to create the change that we want in the Caribbean, we have to be the one’s that get the ball rolling in the Caribbean.We have to attacked sexual abuse/assault as it is not only on the rise in St.Lucia but in so many other countries. Distance, geography, language, religion, age, status, race, etc. should not be factors that separate us as Sexual abuse doesn’t discriminate based on any of the above.

We have to believe it will get better, but we also have to fight to make it better.

Link to interview done with Sherry Dixon of Bangradio (UK)

http://www.bangradio.fm/index.php?s=ordinary+people+who+do+extraordinary+things

Fighters

The fight against sexual abuse has been a long standing one. We grew up in a society where at times these crimes were accepted but most times they were simply over looked. We were told by society, by family, by friends, by the law that these crimes were of no importance, that we should shut up and continue on in silence. That as we grew we would get over it, that we would forget. Those of us who have been victimized know that forgetting is not something that happens, that it takes time and help to get over it, that we need support and help. These crimes were not our fault, we did not instigate, we did not entice, we did not enjoy and we did not want it. Women over the years have been fighters; we fought to get to where we are today; there is a lot of room for growth, there is much to be done in terms of dealing with crimes of this nature, but we have to continue the fight, we have to stand up and shout to be heard. We have to stop being silent. We have opinions, we are in control and we have a say in what happens to our bodies and how we should be treated. We have to fight to see the changes we want. We have to fight......

Private Practice

I want firstly to wish everyone a Merry Xmas and A Happy New Year. I want to thank all of you for being part of this journey with me. I am not sure how many of you watch Private Practice but this season shows one of the stars of the episode being raped. It shows how she deals with it and how it affects her. check it out; season 4 episodes 7-10 thus far. I haven't watched 9 and 10 yet but the episodes all deal with her assault.

Information

Sexual abuse has, to put it mildly, upset the lives of many women, children and men for quite sometime now. WE have looked to the law in hopes that someday things would get better, that there would be a change and that those who abused us would be punished. This has not been the case in many situations. I know that there are those of us who have repressed everything for as long as our sub-conscious would allow; some of us have gotten help from competent individuals and some of us are still drifting in the wind trying to find a place to anchor and hopefully blossom. Repressing and ignoring what happened to us only lasts for so long. I know, because my time is up and it has come back full force. I can only urge you to find a way to deal with it. WE have the rape crisis center here that you can contact : 45-36848/453-1521. And if you just want to get it out, to say something without having anyone know you can email me. You can do it anonymously; create an email address that you can use only for speaking about this : ssaitco@hotmail.com.Please also feel free to join my page on freeforums:http://survivingsexualabuse.freeforums.org/index.php .  I know what a burden it is you are carrying because I carry it everyday myself. I know that you can’t seek help until you are ready. I know what it feels like to want to escape and that may work for sometime but our memories and thoughts tend to follow us wherever we go. WE have to be the people who fight for ourselves. WE have to be the people who fight for victims and their rights. WE have to be the people who help others feel safe about coming forward. WE know what it is like to have to carry this on our own; we have help make others feel safe coming forward. WE have to start the mending process together. WE have to start somewhere and who better to do this than us. WE have the desire and drive to fight for a change in how women are viewed, treated and protected.

Not to Blame

For the most part I find myself wrestling with whether or not I made the right decision and the more I think about it, the clearer it becomes that I made the right decision. I have immersed myself over the past few months in books about sexual abuse. The more I read, the more I am realizing that it, this thing that happened to us, was never our fault, we did not entice, seduce, or willing consent to what was done to us. It was forced upon us. And the truth is that they were older so they knew better; they knew what they were doing was wrong hence the threats of violence or shame if we dared talk. It was a choice that was made by the abuser to abuse. We never had a choice in the matter. Yes, we were stripped of our rights to say no, we were stripped of our innocence, our feelings of trust and safety in this world were imploded. Their excuses are nothing but hot air; an attempt to make us feel equally as culpable as they are. But we are not to blame; we did not ask for this, we did not want it; our tears, our pleas, our blank stares, our fractured body’s and minds are the result of what we were forced to endure; some of us at too young an age. Men & Women, Young Boys & Girls, Teenage Boys & Girls, Old Men & Women, have no excuse when they chose to abuse anyone, when they force themselves on someone. So why as a society don’t we fight more for those who have survived this ordeal, why do we make excuses for the abuser, why do we blame the abusee? We had our lives turned upside down and inside out, we have to deal with the repercussions of their actions everyday. This battle is not one we can afford to lose.

Our Voices

WE have not come very far in our thought process on sexual abuse or on how survivors should deal with what they have been through. You would think as a society, as women, as men who have children and boys who have sisters that we would want to see justice for those who have been abused. Instead we find ways to make them feel that it was in someway their fault, we make excuses for their abusers. WE tell survivors that they should not speak about what happened; WE tell them that they would be ruining the life of the abuser or the family if they decided to speak out. WE tell the survivor that caring about how what happened to her is secondary to how it affects everyone else. When will women who chose to speak out about their abuse be supported? When will their abusers be punished accordingly? When will we all stop making excuses for the crimes they committed? Sexual abuse is a serious problem; that is only made more difficult by how society reacts to incidences of these crimes. How many of us would leave our children in the room with someone who has a history of being sexually abusive?

Our Fight

I studied Psychology to understand what had happened to me and what is still happening to me. No I am not still being abused by my brother but yes I am still a victim of what he did to me. Those of us who made it out of the abuse are survivors in many ways. We are alive, we have grown up and go through everyday trying to push through. I am still a victim, In many ways I am still paralyzed by what has happened to me. It has been said that “Admitting is the first step to recovery” so I am admitting that in many ways I am still broken. I have not understood, I do not understand. I know the facebook page has mainly been me communicating and that is ok because I know the rest of you who are survivors of childhood sexual abuse are reading and at least you know you are not alone. That there are others who feel and react in many of the same ways you do. I want us, women, from everywhere, but primarily Caribbean women to be strong. I want us to realize that if we push forward we can help things change, that we have to start making changes because if not we are condemning our children and grand children to the same environment we grew up in. An environment where women are not valued, where men can beat women and get away with it or be charged a nominal fee, where the laws for women are pretty much non-existent because if they existed women would feel safer coming forward. We have to demand change; our fore mothers fought for some of the rights that we now enjoy. It is our duty to continue the fight for those that follow. I have spoken about seeing what I can do to make a difference but I to am guilty of not really making the move. The time for being proactive is now and if I have to start this battle on my own, I will. I know in time the rest of you will join.

Baby Steps

Talking about this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to undertake. Putting yourself out there and telling people one of your darkest most shameful secrets is by no means easy. So, please believe me when I tell you I know how hard it is. Not many of us have anyone we can turn to, the people we expect to understand and stand by us usually let us down. We have to want to make it better, we have to want to deal with it; because as history has shown me; not very many will be there to help you. You have to want to get better. Just always know there is a family of females out there who will hold your hand and help you out. We know what it feels like and we will be there always. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for taking steps to lighten the weight you have been carrying.

Healing

We are the masters of our destiny. We are in charge of our lives. For many of us who have been abused we had our choices taken away from us. Our abusers never asked us before they chose to start abusing us and not many people cared to ask how we felt about it or what we wanted done. There are still many of us that have not spoken about it, there are many of us that continue to go through each day suffering in silence. I suffered for a long time and in many ways i continue to suffer. the first steps to correcting the ways victims of sexual abuse are dealt begins with us, with breaking our silence. Speaking out about our abuse is not about getting revenge but about taking the first steps to healing, and hopefully building an environment where women can feel safer speaking about their abuse, where abusers are punished more severely for their crimes, where we create an atmosphere of support and not one of blame. Believe me when i say that in order to get through it you have to start speaking about it. I know that it feels like no one will understand and that you are alone but the numbers are staggering; this is not a battle you have to fight on your own. What happened to us was not our fault it was their’s.

Gravity

I have only recently started speaking out about my abuse. I knew it would be difficult but it is only recently I have realized how difficult. What we have and are going through is not something that is understood by many. All forms of abuse are complicated. We look at women who are being abused by their spouses and ask why they don’t leave. I too have been guilty of asking why they stay. The answers they give all vary but it is never one simple answer because the question in its self is not simple. By asking you to speak out about something you’ve never told anyone before or told very few I am asking you to open yourself up to being questioned on something you would rather not think about. But those of us who have been abused know all too well that those thoughts are never to far from our minds. I know it’s difficult to address this aspect of our lives; for many of us it has been easier to bury it and keep it to ourselves. I know that by speaking out about it I’m asking you to place yourself in the line of fire, asking you to open yourself up for being blamed, for being accused, for being interrogated and maybe made to feel shameful, that you are a liar, that maybe you enjoyed it or in some twisted way wanted this or that this is your fault. But by speaking out I am really asking you to take a stand and let your abuser know that you are no longer afraid of him, that are moving forward with your life by dealing with what has happened to you. What we have been through is scary and difficult to face, we’ve all dealt with it in various ways and maybe one of the ways to move forward is by speaking about it. You don’t have to make your story public, you can use the forum as a way of speaking about it and protecting your identity. Always remember that you are not alone in this. 

Reactions

How do we expect others to react to crimes of this nature? How do we expect our friends, family and society to treat perpetrators of this crime ? They say that “no man is an island” and yet survivors of sexual abuse are constantly left feeling alone. Who do we turn to? Where do we go for help? Sexual abuse left me torn and very insecure. I left me filled with anger and hatred. I wanted punishment. I kept replaying what he told me on more than one occasion “no one will do anything, no one will believe you”. We expect that members of society will be repulsed by individuals who commit these crimes and supportive of survivors. We expect and environment that encourages survivors to speak out about the abuse and their abuser, instead we live in an environment that shuns the topic, that makes survivors feel ashamed, scared and alone. i don’t think this is asking to much, that society be more aware, less judgmental and more supportive. Blaming those who have been abused only serves to validate the actions of the abuser. 

My Story

Over the years women who have survived sexual abuse have been left standing alone. We live in a society that does not place enough emphasis on those who have been victimized. This site aims to give those individuals a voice, a forum to speak out about their experiences where they feel understood. It is my hope that you will find camaraderie, strength and some peace from what this site offers. This sight will also offer information on the legal options open to you and where you can turn if you need further counseling or help.

I am a survivor like many of you. I was molested by an older sibling for about seven years. For many years I looked back on the events and blamed myself. Why didn’t I say something to someone, why didn’t I do something to stop it? I did what we are always told not to do, blame myself. It’s a very solitary feeling knowing that no one really knows what you’ve been through, feeling like you have no where to go and no one to turn to. For a long time I didn’t approach my abuser on what occurred. Over time the anger and resentment built up. I finally got to a point where I had to stop being afraid, where I had to make sure that I was taking steps to make my life better and myself stronger. I can’t begin to list the ways in which I would say it has affected my life. So I’ll start at the beginning, I will share my story with you. The time has come to stop hiding, to stop protecting my abuser and everyone else and to make the steps that will help me move forward.

My abuse started when I was very young, my abuser being only eight years older then I was never considered how his actions would have affected me. It started off with him offering him to read me stories at night, and when I was asleep the abuse would begin. It continued in this way getting worse and his actions getting bolder over the years. I was threatened that if I told anyone that I wouldn’t be believed, and that he would go unpunished. I was told that my parents would be angry with me, that they would hate me. This served to keep me silent for a long time. I learnt to endure it, shutting my eyes and praying for it to be over. The abuse decreased as he found another victim. It never occurred to me that she would be one of his victims. She was older, more mature, and yet he found a way to victimize her. She finally broke down and confided in me. I found myself consoling her and telling her it would be ok, knowing that this was not a promise I should make or could keep. He found a way to make her feel insignificant and afraid. 

I finally got the courage to speak about what had happened. This was just before I sat my common entrance exams. He tried to bribe me with gifts like I was worth nothing more than a few dollars. My parents chose not to punish him and in some ways I knew he’d won; after all I’d been warned that this would be the end result. It felt like he got away with murder. He had stolen so much from me and now he was off the hook. I’m not sure how I expected my parents to react; or for that matter my siblings but I guess when he’s not punished in the ways I expected I felt like I was standing alone. For many of us who are survivors of abuse, the pain of having our abuser set free, or not punished is disheartening. This is one of the many reasons I have created this site. We have a chance to come forward and stand about what we have been through. 

I went through my secondary school years feeling alone. Never quite fitting in, not knowing where I was headed and truly not caring. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I decided that I didn’t want to end up like the nothing he was. That I wasn’t going to let him suck the joy from my life. Every chance that I got to confront him about it I did; and every time he denied. Until one day in New York; when he said to me and I quote “SO I F…… you so what”. I can’t adequately explain the pain and horror I felt at those words coming out, but I left the apartment wishing only that I could die. Over the past four years, my college education opened new doors and helped me start a healing process I never knew I had the strength to. He has returned and reopened the wound. I struggle with my pain everyday. He has admitted that he abused me but it does nothing to abate the pain, anger, and shame that fills my life. For most of my life I feared him, hated myself, never quite felt whole. I look back and sometimes it’s like it never happened to me, but to someone else that is now locked away in a dark place. 

It is only recently that I have decided to this is one of the ways to healing; being able to speak about it freely for once. I only hope that we all find some form of healing through this site and our forum. In the Caribbean crimes of this nature are not punished as often or as severely as they should. Maybe through this we can help to change this.