Over the years women who have survived sexual abuse have been left standing alone. We live in a society that does not place enough emphasis on those who have been victimized. This site aims to give those individuals a voice, a forum to speak out about their experiences where they feel understood. It is my hope that you will find camaraderie, strength and some peace from what this site offers. This sight will also offer information on the legal options open to you and where you can turn if you need further counseling or help.
I am a survivor like many of you. I was molested by an older sibling for about seven years. For many years I looked back on the events and blamed myself. Why didn’t I say something to someone, why didn’t I do something to stop it? I did what we are always told not to do, blame myself. It’s a very solitary feeling knowing that no one really knows what you’ve been through, feeling like you have no where to go and no one to turn to. For a long time I didn’t approach my abuser on what occurred. Over time the anger and resentment built up. I finally got to a point where I had to stop being afraid, where I had to make sure that I was taking steps to make my life better and myself stronger. I can’t begin to list the ways in which I would say it has affected my life. So I’ll start at the beginning, I will share my story with you. The time has come to stop hiding, to stop protecting my abuser and everyone else and to make the steps that will help me move forward.
My abuse started when I was very young, my abuser being only eight years older then I was never considered how his actions would have affected me. It started off with him offering him to read me stories at night, and when I was asleep the abuse would begin. It continued in this way getting worse and his actions getting bolder over the years. I was threatened that if I told anyone that I wouldn’t be believed, and that he would go unpunished. I was told that my parents would be angry with me, that they would hate me. This served to keep me silent for a long time. I learnt to endure it, shutting my eyes and praying for it to be over. The abuse decreased as he found another victim. It never occurred to me that she would be one of his victims. She was older, more mature, and yet he found a way to victimize her. She finally broke down and confided in me. I found myself consoling her and telling her it would be ok, knowing that this was not a promise I should make or could keep. He found a way to make her feel insignificant and afraid.
I finally got the courage to speak about what had happened. This was just before I sat my common entrance exams. He tried to bribe me with gifts like I was worth nothing more than a few dollars. My parents chose not to punish him and in some ways I knew he’d won; after all I’d been warned that this would be the end result. It felt like he got away with murder. He had stolen so much from me and now he was off the hook. I’m not sure how I expected my parents to react; or for that matter my siblings but I guess when he’s not punished in the ways I expected I felt like I was standing alone. For many of us who are survivors of abuse, the pain of having our abuser set free, or not punished is disheartening. This is one of the many reasons I have created this site. We have a chance to come forward and stand about what we have been through.
I went through my secondary school years feeling alone. Never quite fitting in, not knowing where I was headed and truly not caring. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I decided that I didn’t want to end up like the nothing he was. That I wasn’t going to let him suck the joy from my life. Every chance that I got to confront him about it I did; and every time he denied. Until one day in New York; when he said to me and I quote “SO I F…… you so what”. I can’t adequately explain the pain and horror I felt at those words coming out, but I left the apartment wishing only that I could die. Over the past four years, my college education opened new doors and helped me start a healing process I never knew I had the strength to. He has returned and reopened the wound. I struggle with my pain everyday. He has admitted that he abused me but it does nothing to abate the pain, anger, and shame that fills my life. For most of my life I feared him, hated myself, never quite felt whole. I look back and sometimes it’s like it never happened to me, but to someone else that is now locked away in a dark place.
It is only recently that I have decided to this is one of the ways to healing; being able to speak about it freely for once. I only hope that we all find some form of healing through this site and our forum. In the Caribbean crimes of this nature are not punished as often or as severely as they should. Maybe through this we can help to change this.
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