Silence. Be Quiet. Don’t say those things. Keep it to yourself. You are embarrassing the family. Shhhh don’t tell anyone what he did to you. Why are you out to destroy him, ruin his reputation? These are but a few of the lines that abuse victims/survivors hear on a constant basis. For many of us one if not more of these lines were recited over an over to goad us into silence and for a long time many of us complied. Even when we don’t hear those things it is implied and so we keep Silent and Suffer. When we aren’t pushed into to being Silent we are Blamed for what was done to us against our will. Why was your dress so short? What were you doing at that bar? How many drinks did you have? You went out with him- you must have seduced him. You started he was all into it, you can’t say no after. You wanted it. You liked? And the list continues. Society has continued to Blame the Abused over the years because it appears beyond the realm of thought that we were the innocent parties that we did nothing but were assaulted. It seems that to accept that Sexual Assault is something that happens on a constant basis is outside the common realm of thought. I am not sure when we became a society that excused the behavior of those who took advantage of the innocent but it appears that is where we are now.
I have found that no matter how many women I speak to, no matter what race, age, class,etc. they all have one thing in common. They were all told - Don’t tell, remain silent. This damages more than we will ever be adequately to explain or anyone will be able to quantify. Requesting/Demanding our silence only serves to reiterate what our abusers told us - That no-one will believe,no-one will care, no-one will do anything. By keeping us silent you allow them to walk freely, you allow them to continue abusing others; you send them the message that what they are doing is ok-that it is acceptable once it remains quiet. You send us the message that we are not worth protecting, that we did something wrong, that we have something to be ashamed of. You break whatever innocence is left in us, you erode our sense of trust in people, you destroy our sense of self-worth, of self-image, of happiness. At that moment and for very long after our sense of identity, of belonging is lost. SO many of us look in the mirror and can’t marry the image with who we are; so many can’t look in the mirror. We are left afraid of our shadows and bit by bit what we fought so hard to bury starts coming back full force - you’re being punched and kicked by horrible memories in every direction. Anyone who has been sexually assaulted is left feeling vulnerable and alone, so much is taken from us in that instant; and believe me it’s not anything we ever get back. We turn for support and there is none; instead we are blamed, we are left alone to stand and deal with what has happened & what continues to happen. We are asked to understand and excuse their actions. We expect that people will understand that no woman/man/child asks to be assaulted. Do you think one walks around asking to be sexually assaulted? It appears that is where the common thought lies; what other explanation could there be for everyone’s actions.
I want those of you who have been victimized to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you have done nothing wrong. That what happened wasn’t your fault and contrary to popular actions & comments, you are not culpable in any of this. I know that for sometime know you have been told to BE QUIET to REMAIN SILENT, TO PROTECT YOUR ABUSER, TO REFRAIN FROM SHAMNG THE FAMILY - I am saying that it is ok to speak up; that part of recovery is releasing the secret, releasing their hold on you. We have suffered in silence for so long. It’s a hard road back- recovery isn’t easy but 1 day at a time, 1 baby-step at a time and you will make it. Know that no matter where you go or where you are, there are a family of survivors always with you, supporting you. Through time and understanding we learn how to deal with what was done to us; we learn to pin-point our triggers, to address the issues that have arisen because of what we went through. Through time we begin to love ourselves, to see the beauty in who we are, we learn that we are stronger than we ever believed, we learn to accept compliments and to believe that we are worthy of all the good things life has to offer. Time will not heal all wounds but it will make the road to recovery easier; it will help you to start regaining control over your life. The hardest part of recovery I think, is accepting/acknowledging what was taken from you,what was done to you and coming to grips with the fact that people/family/friends didn’t support you, protect you or help you. Don’t give up on yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment