Where do you stand?

Who stands with us? Who fights for us? I find more and more than no one stands up for us and we are the only ones that can fight for ourselves. I guess one of life’s lessons is that you should learn not to expect anything from anyone, always be willing to stand up for yourself and fight for what you want. History has shown that our families remain silent; they treat our abusers like welcomed family members; they support them and care for them while we stand alone wondering what we did that was so wrong that we would be abused, that we would have our lives forever altered, that we would now have to deal with all the issues that arise because of what we have been through. With all of that on our plates we turn around and notice that we are left standing alone, our immediate family has chosen to pretend it didn’t happen, or to blame us for it, or to guilt us into silence. Our extended family is equally stupid in behaving like what we went through and what we continue to go through is water under the bridge; that we deserve to constantly have to see their love and concern towards someone who hurt us so deeply and feel their hatred and disappointment if we decide to speak out. I have come to notice that having family believe or stand with you is the rare exception.

I always thought that in many cases you had to have gone through it to understand what we have to deal with. I know this is a heavy remark to make and I am sure there are those who haven’t been through it or witnessed it that are able to respond more adequately to the situation. I would like to know how many of you with children would allow someone who has been previously accused of sexual assault into your homes, into your children’s bedrooms? Is it ok because it  happened to us, because you can’t fathom the damage done that he should be accepted and in many ways chosen over us? I don’t know how many of you have dealt with this situation or anything similar but it puzzles me as to how we divide who considered falls into the pedophile, creepy relative/friend file and who gets to walk around freely unpunished for their crimes. DO we react differently when it is our children who are hurt. But history has shown that not even that makes a difference. SO the question is what will it take to make things better, what will take to make people realize how detrimental all of this is. It affects us all whether we know it or not. 

Addressing Sexual Abuse

Many harp on the fact that something precious and sacred was taken at a young age if you were abused as a child. Something precious and sacred is taken no matter what age you are when sexual abuse/assault occurs. There are signs when the abuse occurs at a younger age. There are always signs many either don't know what to look for or prefer not to acknowledge what is happening; either of the above is saddening. Children should be protected. People fail to see that what is taken isn't something that you can get back. You can and will learn to deal with what has happened and get through life; but things will never be as they were before. You have seen the darker side of human nature, you understand first hand what people are capable of and so you will never again bask in the glow of ignorance. Your trust in people is shattered especially when no one come to your aid/defense. People try to rationalize what has happened and find excuses for the abuser, they even go so far as to blame the survivor, or insinuate that in some way it was enjoyed or wanted or a direct result of something we did or said. And so to those of you out there I say if you can’t say something intelligent please do us all a favor and remain quiet.We are taunted by our abusers words “You know you wanted it, You know you liked it.”

This is part of what is wrong with our world; we excuse the wrong doing of those we consider to be above the law; set a part by their wealth, beauty, brains, social status, etc.. We let those who are close to us or related to us off the hook for the crimes they have committed because they are family, because doing something about it would shame the family, and the excuses continue. We live in a society that wants women to imprison themselves in their homes (not that they are any safer there), we live in a society that says women should always be covered up, that says women shouldn't be assertive. We blame the survivor when it was never their fault, we ask them to excuse their abuser, to take into consideration what the abuser may have gone through, to look at their age, to examine how deep their pocket is etc...... how much more of ourselves are we expected to give up, where does it end for us, when does it become about what we went through, what we are going through and how we are dealing with it? No one asks to be sexually assaulted, no one asks to be raped, no one wants to be violated, no one asks to have parts of themselves stolen. Sexual Abuse isn’t only about the destruction/annihilation of one’s innocence but also about the disruption/eruption of their trust in people and the world around them. Everything that you are building as a child is all at once questioned; who do you trust, why is this happening, why is no one stopping it/protecting you. If you are an adult you see everyone as a potential threat, you blame yourself, question how it could have been avoided. SexualAbuse/Assault affects the abused at the very core of their being.

I make this public plea to start speaking up or helping in anyway to make a difference as Sexual abuse is on the rise in St.Lucia; 2 women were raped recently and we only know this because they came forward; there are still many who remain silent. Enough is not being done to protect survivors of sexual abuse, enough is not being done to bring those who offend to justice. Sexual abuse/assault is something that needs to be dealt with Caribbean wide. We can no longer continue to use the excuse “This is the Caribbean, what do you expect?”, we have to create the change that we want in the Caribbean, we have to be the one’s that get the ball rolling in the Caribbean.We have to attacked sexual abuse/assault as it is not only on the rise in St.Lucia but in so many other countries. Distance, geography, language, religion, age, status, race, etc. should not be factors that separate us as Sexual abuse doesn’t discriminate based on any of the above.

We have to believe it will get better, but we also have to fight to make it better.

Link to interview done with Sherry Dixon of Bangradio (UK)

http://www.bangradio.fm/index.php?s=ordinary+people+who+do+extraordinary+things

Fighters

The fight against sexual abuse has been a long standing one. We grew up in a society where at times these crimes were accepted but most times they were simply over looked. We were told by society, by family, by friends, by the law that these crimes were of no importance, that we should shut up and continue on in silence. That as we grew we would get over it, that we would forget. Those of us who have been victimized know that forgetting is not something that happens, that it takes time and help to get over it, that we need support and help. These crimes were not our fault, we did not instigate, we did not entice, we did not enjoy and we did not want it. Women over the years have been fighters; we fought to get to where we are today; there is a lot of room for growth, there is much to be done in terms of dealing with crimes of this nature, but we have to continue the fight, we have to stand up and shout to be heard. We have to stop being silent. We have opinions, we are in control and we have a say in what happens to our bodies and how we should be treated. We have to fight to see the changes we want. We have to fight......

Private Practice

I want firstly to wish everyone a Merry Xmas and A Happy New Year. I want to thank all of you for being part of this journey with me. I am not sure how many of you watch Private Practice but this season shows one of the stars of the episode being raped. It shows how she deals with it and how it affects her. check it out; season 4 episodes 7-10 thus far. I haven't watched 9 and 10 yet but the episodes all deal with her assault.

Information

Sexual abuse has, to put it mildly, upset the lives of many women, children and men for quite sometime now. WE have looked to the law in hopes that someday things would get better, that there would be a change and that those who abused us would be punished. This has not been the case in many situations. I know that there are those of us who have repressed everything for as long as our sub-conscious would allow; some of us have gotten help from competent individuals and some of us are still drifting in the wind trying to find a place to anchor and hopefully blossom. Repressing and ignoring what happened to us only lasts for so long. I know, because my time is up and it has come back full force. I can only urge you to find a way to deal with it. WE have the rape crisis center here that you can contact : 45-36848/453-1521. And if you just want to get it out, to say something without having anyone know you can email me. You can do it anonymously; create an email address that you can use only for speaking about this : ssaitco@hotmail.com.Please also feel free to join my page on freeforums:http://survivingsexualabuse.freeforums.org/index.php .  I know what a burden it is you are carrying because I carry it everyday myself. I know that you can’t seek help until you are ready. I know what it feels like to want to escape and that may work for sometime but our memories and thoughts tend to follow us wherever we go. WE have to be the people who fight for ourselves. WE have to be the people who fight for victims and their rights. WE have to be the people who help others feel safe about coming forward. WE know what it is like to have to carry this on our own; we have help make others feel safe coming forward. WE have to start the mending process together. WE have to start somewhere and who better to do this than us. WE have the desire and drive to fight for a change in how women are viewed, treated and protected.

Not to Blame

For the most part I find myself wrestling with whether or not I made the right decision and the more I think about it, the clearer it becomes that I made the right decision. I have immersed myself over the past few months in books about sexual abuse. The more I read, the more I am realizing that it, this thing that happened to us, was never our fault, we did not entice, seduce, or willing consent to what was done to us. It was forced upon us. And the truth is that they were older so they knew better; they knew what they were doing was wrong hence the threats of violence or shame if we dared talk. It was a choice that was made by the abuser to abuse. We never had a choice in the matter. Yes, we were stripped of our rights to say no, we were stripped of our innocence, our feelings of trust and safety in this world were imploded. Their excuses are nothing but hot air; an attempt to make us feel equally as culpable as they are. But we are not to blame; we did not ask for this, we did not want it; our tears, our pleas, our blank stares, our fractured body’s and minds are the result of what we were forced to endure; some of us at too young an age. Men & Women, Young Boys & Girls, Teenage Boys & Girls, Old Men & Women, have no excuse when they chose to abuse anyone, when they force themselves on someone. So why as a society don’t we fight more for those who have survived this ordeal, why do we make excuses for the abuser, why do we blame the abusee? We had our lives turned upside down and inside out, we have to deal with the repercussions of their actions everyday. This battle is not one we can afford to lose.