Healing

We are the masters of our destiny. We are in charge of our lives. For many of us who have been abused we had our choices taken away from us. Our abusers never asked us before they chose to start abusing us and not many people cared to ask how we felt about it or what we wanted done. There are still many of us that have not spoken about it, there are many of us that continue to go through each day suffering in silence. I suffered for a long time and in many ways i continue to suffer. the first steps to correcting the ways victims of sexual abuse are dealt begins with us, with breaking our silence. Speaking out about our abuse is not about getting revenge but about taking the first steps to healing, and hopefully building an environment where women can feel safer speaking about their abuse, where abusers are punished more severely for their crimes, where we create an atmosphere of support and not one of blame. Believe me when i say that in order to get through it you have to start speaking about it. I know that it feels like no one will understand and that you are alone but the numbers are staggering; this is not a battle you have to fight on your own. What happened to us was not our fault it was their’s.

Gravity

I have only recently started speaking out about my abuse. I knew it would be difficult but it is only recently I have realized how difficult. What we have and are going through is not something that is understood by many. All forms of abuse are complicated. We look at women who are being abused by their spouses and ask why they don’t leave. I too have been guilty of asking why they stay. The answers they give all vary but it is never one simple answer because the question in its self is not simple. By asking you to speak out about something you’ve never told anyone before or told very few I am asking you to open yourself up to being questioned on something you would rather not think about. But those of us who have been abused know all too well that those thoughts are never to far from our minds. I know it’s difficult to address this aspect of our lives; for many of us it has been easier to bury it and keep it to ourselves. I know that by speaking out about it I’m asking you to place yourself in the line of fire, asking you to open yourself up for being blamed, for being accused, for being interrogated and maybe made to feel shameful, that you are a liar, that maybe you enjoyed it or in some twisted way wanted this or that this is your fault. But by speaking out I am really asking you to take a stand and let your abuser know that you are no longer afraid of him, that are moving forward with your life by dealing with what has happened to you. What we have been through is scary and difficult to face, we’ve all dealt with it in various ways and maybe one of the ways to move forward is by speaking about it. You don’t have to make your story public, you can use the forum as a way of speaking about it and protecting your identity. Always remember that you are not alone in this. 

Reactions

How do we expect others to react to crimes of this nature? How do we expect our friends, family and society to treat perpetrators of this crime ? They say that “no man is an island” and yet survivors of sexual abuse are constantly left feeling alone. Who do we turn to? Where do we go for help? Sexual abuse left me torn and very insecure. I left me filled with anger and hatred. I wanted punishment. I kept replaying what he told me on more than one occasion “no one will do anything, no one will believe you”. We expect that members of society will be repulsed by individuals who commit these crimes and supportive of survivors. We expect and environment that encourages survivors to speak out about the abuse and their abuser, instead we live in an environment that shuns the topic, that makes survivors feel ashamed, scared and alone. i don’t think this is asking to much, that society be more aware, less judgmental and more supportive. Blaming those who have been abused only serves to validate the actions of the abuser. 

My Story

Over the years women who have survived sexual abuse have been left standing alone. We live in a society that does not place enough emphasis on those who have been victimized. This site aims to give those individuals a voice, a forum to speak out about their experiences where they feel understood. It is my hope that you will find camaraderie, strength and some peace from what this site offers. This sight will also offer information on the legal options open to you and where you can turn if you need further counseling or help.

I am a survivor like many of you. I was molested by an older sibling for about seven years. For many years I looked back on the events and blamed myself. Why didn’t I say something to someone, why didn’t I do something to stop it? I did what we are always told not to do, blame myself. It’s a very solitary feeling knowing that no one really knows what you’ve been through, feeling like you have no where to go and no one to turn to. For a long time I didn’t approach my abuser on what occurred. Over time the anger and resentment built up. I finally got to a point where I had to stop being afraid, where I had to make sure that I was taking steps to make my life better and myself stronger. I can’t begin to list the ways in which I would say it has affected my life. So I’ll start at the beginning, I will share my story with you. The time has come to stop hiding, to stop protecting my abuser and everyone else and to make the steps that will help me move forward.

My abuse started when I was very young, my abuser being only eight years older then I was never considered how his actions would have affected me. It started off with him offering him to read me stories at night, and when I was asleep the abuse would begin. It continued in this way getting worse and his actions getting bolder over the years. I was threatened that if I told anyone that I wouldn’t be believed, and that he would go unpunished. I was told that my parents would be angry with me, that they would hate me. This served to keep me silent for a long time. I learnt to endure it, shutting my eyes and praying for it to be over. The abuse decreased as he found another victim. It never occurred to me that she would be one of his victims. She was older, more mature, and yet he found a way to victimize her. She finally broke down and confided in me. I found myself consoling her and telling her it would be ok, knowing that this was not a promise I should make or could keep. He found a way to make her feel insignificant and afraid. 

I finally got the courage to speak about what had happened. This was just before I sat my common entrance exams. He tried to bribe me with gifts like I was worth nothing more than a few dollars. My parents chose not to punish him and in some ways I knew he’d won; after all I’d been warned that this would be the end result. It felt like he got away with murder. He had stolen so much from me and now he was off the hook. I’m not sure how I expected my parents to react; or for that matter my siblings but I guess when he’s not punished in the ways I expected I felt like I was standing alone. For many of us who are survivors of abuse, the pain of having our abuser set free, or not punished is disheartening. This is one of the many reasons I have created this site. We have a chance to come forward and stand about what we have been through. 

I went through my secondary school years feeling alone. Never quite fitting in, not knowing where I was headed and truly not caring. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I decided that I didn’t want to end up like the nothing he was. That I wasn’t going to let him suck the joy from my life. Every chance that I got to confront him about it I did; and every time he denied. Until one day in New York; when he said to me and I quote “SO I F…… you so what”. I can’t adequately explain the pain and horror I felt at those words coming out, but I left the apartment wishing only that I could die. Over the past four years, my college education opened new doors and helped me start a healing process I never knew I had the strength to. He has returned and reopened the wound. I struggle with my pain everyday. He has admitted that he abused me but it does nothing to abate the pain, anger, and shame that fills my life. For most of my life I feared him, hated myself, never quite felt whole. I look back and sometimes it’s like it never happened to me, but to someone else that is now locked away in a dark place. 

It is only recently that I have decided to this is one of the ways to healing; being able to speak about it freely for once. I only hope that we all find some form of healing through this site and our forum. In the Caribbean crimes of this nature are not punished as often or as severely as they should. Maybe through this we can help to change this.