Different Part of the Past

What Happened::Sou,28

I am a survivor of Sibling Sexual Abuse. Somedays I feel like a victim but most days I know I am a survivor. I was born in the beautiful island of St.Lucia in the Caribbean. I come from a family of 5 with my abuser being the 6th. He is my older half brother. I suffered quite a bit at his hands and have been slowly putting the pieces back together. Some days are harder than other but I know that through it all I am stronger and wiser and while he has stolen much from me; there is hope for me to be whole again. My abuse does’t define me; it is something that he did to me; it is not who I am.

I am the second child of my mother but 1st for my father. I came along and maybe stole some of his thunder. So from the age of about 4 my sexual abuse started and later included physical and psychological. My memories of what exactly were done to me when I was young have been carefully tucked away for so long that trying to get to them has been hard. I couldn’t tell you how it started but I remember the progressions. My earliest memory of something being wrong was about 4; we were playing on a bed under the sheets. I can’t tell you what exactly happened but I have the memory of someone asking what was going on and saying this would be discussed when my mom got home. I can’t tell you if the discussion ever took place I don’t remember but if it did it never stopped him if anything it made him go further. That I believe was the beginning. He would offer to read to me at nights and wait until I fell asleep to get under the covers behind me. Then he would push it between my legs from behind. I would squeeze my legs together to push it out but that never stopped him; in fact it caused him to push harder. I learned to stop and just let it happen. Once he was done he would get up and leave. I tried to fight falling asleep but he would wait until Id fallen asleep to come back. I would say I didn’t want him to read to me but then the questions would come as to why I didn’t want him reading. He was always so eager to read my parents thought it was good for us both. There is one memory that has stuck with me no matter what I do. He has me kneeling on the floor and he’s behind me- the next thing I know I have sperm running down my legs, my mom has just pulled into the drive way and he says go clean up. He walks out like nothing has happened and my mom never suspects a thing. 

The threats of being hated by my parents if I told were a constant. They will be angry at you he would say; they will never do me anything. And years after I sit and think he was right all along. They never did him anything he was never punished, never reprimanded. Im not sure what I expected but I didn’t expect him to get away with it. I confront him every chance I get; because for the most part I believe I am not believed. He used to deny it but not he just says and so what. His stories as to what happened and how many times it happened and why it happened vary constantly. Then i sit and reflect on what he’s done to me, what he’s said to me and how that has made me feel and can’t find it in me to ever forgive him.  I can’t see how anyone else can forgive him. He lives at home with my parents now; and once again it feels like I am the one who has done something wrong. My aunt has told me to stop trying to ruin his life; that I should remain silent. My cousin has said that he didn’t know what he was doing. He is 9 years older than me. That would have made him 13 when he started abusing me. And if he didn’t know then then how does he explain the next 7 years of abuse? And if he didn’t know what he was doing was wrong then why threaten me?

For a long time I have hated me. Never really felt that I fit in anywhere or that I belonged. Never thought that I was worthy of love. Never liked what I saw in the mirror when I saw anything at all. I have made my body my canvas and sought to surround myself with images of strength and beauty. I think that all of us who are survivors of sexual assault deal with these issues. We lose who we are through the abuse and have a hard time trying to find a way back. But there is always a path that leads to happiness and fulfillment. Its not always an easy road but we are survivors. We are not alone in our pursuit of happiness there are other walking beside us, ahead of us and behind us. Don’t give up or in. Our voices will lead us to freedom. We speak out to help ourselves and those around us. This is a battle for many.

I fight for women of the Caribbean who are afraid to speak out. 

Domestic Abuse, Molestation & Betrayal by Xynobia Froliquor Law

Domestic Abuse, Molestation and Betrayal1Problem(Circumstance). 2Solution(Reaction). 3Responisbility(Blame vs Acceptance). 
There is always a choice...  

1. From age 3 I can remember the tension in the house. The sadness. The fear. The anger. The Hurt. The struggle of my young mother trying to do her best with our "situation". The physical and verbal abuse meted out by my biological father to my mother finally led to the end of ten years of their marriage.
 
I was 8 when I realized what my young uncle had done was wrong even if he was 10yrs old at the time. He was also a victim of circumstances but the damage had been done.  I would pray at night for me to stop hurting myself the way he would hurt me. I struggled for years with this problem until about age 17. I was disappointed in myself, I was angry and I was scared. I felt stupid for "allowing" it to hurt me the way "i let it"- guilt. I felt I was still "better off" than many others who had actually been raped but a violation is just that, a violation.  
 
I was 18, I trusted a friend who took advantage of me in his father's house. His family was home. I was too embarrassed to say anything. I just layed there and prayed that it would be over soon. I left the house. Smiled like nothing ever happend. I was angry. Why wasnt I strong enough to fight him off? I didnt tell anyone so I would see him in common circles and was left alone with him again and he tried again. Then one day very long after I accepted a ride from him. I cant explain what I could have been hoping or thinking. There was a time when I guess I just felt that worthless. I thought I could reason with him. I don't know. Writing this years later it puzzles me. I suppose that is how low i was.
 
I was 22 when I was moving into my new apartment. I asked a "good friend" of mine to help. He took advantage of me. I did nothing. I layed there. I didnt even fight him off too much because I didnt want to make my new landlords get the wrong idea of me. Is it that I wasn't learning my lesson? Is it that men or people cannot be trusted? Out of all the people I've met, those three are the only ones who ever betrayed me in that way. I cannot go around living my life in fear. I tell myself that but at times I get paranoid about people. It twists your mind and toys with your emotions. You question your judgement. You blame yourself. 
 
I live with a diagnosis as a result of molestation which I only confirmed at age 23, because in the beginning there were no signs and I was not severly affected by it. This has caused me great distress and depression. I have gone to bed hoping never to akwaken. I have been to the lowest place in my life that I am ever going to allow my mental and emotional states to sink to. I felt totally worthless/ugly and destroyed and I WILL NEVER ALLOW ANYONE OR ANYTHING TO MAKE ME QUESTION MY WORTH AGAIN. 
 
My circumstances, like everyone else's have made me the woman I am today. I have put myself in situations that were dangerous because of my low self esteem. I have challenged myself to rise above that low consciousness. Self sabotage is very serious. I'd like to think that I'm continuing learning from the tests I been allowed to take in this life. People try to undervalue or over value what I went through for unbalanced conveniences but their negative contributions have no weight on my mind and heart. I have been cursed with a blessing; the ability to proactively and humbly seek and accept the truth- at all cost to myself. 


I am hard on the man I love because I always feel like I want to know the truth so badly. I find myself being over protective in that way. I rather live one milisecond of truth and happiness than a lifetime of false bliss. Ignorance is bliss is most definitely not my motto. I find that if someone is to live that way it simply encourages lies, and incomplete truths. I feel that if you are going to hurt me today or tomorrow, you may as well hurt me now and get it over with. This can sometimes come out like I have no patience. I dont exactly know how but I suppose it can be a bit unfair. However, it is the way I know. For me it is what works. I am willing to modify and improve but that will take time. Like everything else in life it is a process. To me there is no such thing asTMI when it comes to the people in your life who you affect or have an effect on. As relatives of each other, I feel that it is important to always be honest and open minded about our elvolving situations. It is important to ask the right questions, seek the right answers and never get complacent.
 
2. Not every circumstance has a direct solution on you. Your reaction and perception of what happens and why it happens has a lot of weight on how we cope effectively. It is a long process but it is not impossible to rise and heal. I was blessed to be raised spiritually and to have family support when I decided to finally unfold. It has been extremely hard but everyday is different.  Every step forward is progress and I will get where I need to be. Just as all of us will. The challenge is taking that first step and realizing that you are not alone. Our reactions and solutions will vary based on our peerceived ability,support and circumstance but please promise yourself to try. I dont care if you have to cry every day till you throw up like I did. YOU DESERVE MENTAL FREEDOM to take care of you. Start somewhere please.

3. Our responsibilty to ourselves is all that we have. Being a victim there is not much support or understanding at all. NO GUIDANCE...no one knows WHERE TO GO FROM HERE. You are forced to quiickly heal/get over it/move on etc. Most people on the outside looking in dont understand at all. They wish you would shut up. They want to protect themselves and a perfect concept of society. A lot of victims have LIED TO THEMSELVES AND ALLOWED THEMSELVES TO FORGET IT EVER HAPPENED. You cannot hide from youself or experiences. Please understand you are not just a victim- you are a survivor and you can grow/heal/help by being honest with yourself and others.
 
I commend anyone who is able to speak out about their unfortunate experiences period. Being a victim of sexual harassment or abuse like many circumstances, is not easy to deal with. The stages you go through are underestimated; coming to terms and accepting the reality of what happened, waking up everyday after it happened, enduring and adjusting if it is a persistent problem, finding someone to trust with your experience, actually trusting them and telling them the whole truth without trying to lie about it for fear it makes you sound remotely responsible, coping with the fact that you have just let out a big "negative truth" about yourself to someone and hoping that you can actually trust them, dealing with their reaction and using that as a basis for what other people may say or do if you told them or they found out, actually finally coping successfully and being able to separate that bad experience from other relationships. It's a continuous challenge. 
 
Society encourages fear. They want us to protect the abuser and their loved ones. That is an unfair burden to carry. We already deal the the violation; physical, mental, emotional, psychological pain and unexplainable/unjustifiable guilt. It takes a humility, courage and strength to speak out again any form of abuse.  I remember when I finally started opening up about my experiences. I found out about so many people who went through similar situations. WHY DON'T WE SPEAK?. It made me feel like hypocrite. I have a little sister, friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, (lets not leave out men and strangers). It is not your fault if someone chooses to violate you. Sadly however, it is your responsibility as a survivor to speak out about it. I know if the people who hurt me hurt someone else I would feel guilty for not giving the next person a heads up about the characteristics of the man or woman they are about to come into contact with. Yes I understand you cant save everyone but at least speaking out provides comfort and support for other people who have it worse. Know that you are not alone. It does get better and I do believe with the right support it can eventually go away. At least the day will come when it is not the first thing you wake up with on your mind.
 
I will will leave you with this as my main point. In all areas you will find people better off and worse off. Learn from the ignorant and the wise. Pray. Every step forward is progress - no matter how minimal...you are making progress nonetheless. Even when people try to put you down about your situations or try to make you feel as though you should have known better you didn't do it to yourself- THAT PERSON HAD A CHOICE -THEY NEED HELP. Learn to forgive. DO NOT FORGET. In some instances we allow people to treat us without respect. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!- and remove yourself from a bad situation. You can have all the help and support in the world but until you love yourself...nothing can be done...
 
I dedicate my life to being a servant of the people by providing love and a listening ear...Ability without utility is waste and I am grateful to have made it this far...I only want to grow.
 
Thank you Soubi for doing this. Keep on keeping on. I appreciate your support and your daring nature. "Ever onward and upward-Ever forward and faster"(Wind In The Willows)

Time To Stand

I am a survivor of sexual abuse (incest) my older half brother thought it was ok to rob me of my innocence at a young age. I have learnt through it all that abuse is not who we are it is what was done to us, it is something we went through. Something was taken from us and as surprising as it is very few seem to care or understand. I will not say this is the world we live in as this is not an excuse; there is no excuse for how we were treated or how we are being treated. We have fought to make it through; we have struggled to see a light at the end, we stood alone for most of it. I know what it feels like to want to give up, to want to run away, but giving up never made the issue easier, running away doesn’t allow us to leave our memories behind. We can’t give up; this is your life, your fight, your right to happiness. We expected more from those around us but we didn’t get it and we are still here going strong. So why give up now. As alone as you feel sometimes, know that there are many out there who know what you are going through; some have been where you are and conquered it others haven’t gotten there; it's a process. The time has come for us to start sharing our stories, to start building a community where we learn from each other, where we support each other, where we begin to change the way sexual abuse is dealt with. No longer should will we be guilted or forced into silence. Its time to speak out Loudly. Share your stories, as i’ve learnt, you’d be surprised who among you, who close to you has been through something similar. We will create our own little support center. If you’re not ready to come forth on facebook please use the freeforums page(http://survivingsexualabuse.freeforums.org/) ; create your own name and free feel to ask questions, share your story, or if you just need to vent we are also there for that.

Where do you stand?

Who stands with us? Who fights for us? I find more and more than no one stands up for us and we are the only ones that can fight for ourselves. I guess one of life’s lessons is that you should learn not to expect anything from anyone, always be willing to stand up for yourself and fight for what you want. History has shown that our families remain silent; they treat our abusers like welcomed family members; they support them and care for them while we stand alone wondering what we did that was so wrong that we would be abused, that we would have our lives forever altered, that we would now have to deal with all the issues that arise because of what we have been through. With all of that on our plates we turn around and notice that we are left standing alone, our immediate family has chosen to pretend it didn’t happen, or to blame us for it, or to guilt us into silence. Our extended family is equally stupid in behaving like what we went through and what we continue to go through is water under the bridge; that we deserve to constantly have to see their love and concern towards someone who hurt us so deeply and feel their hatred and disappointment if we decide to speak out. I have come to notice that having family believe or stand with you is the rare exception.

I always thought that in many cases you had to have gone through it to understand what we have to deal with. I know this is a heavy remark to make and I am sure there are those who haven’t been through it or witnessed it that are able to respond more adequately to the situation. I would like to know how many of you with children would allow someone who has been previously accused of sexual assault into your homes, into your children’s bedrooms? Is it ok because it  happened to us, because you can’t fathom the damage done that he should be accepted and in many ways chosen over us? I don’t know how many of you have dealt with this situation or anything similar but it puzzles me as to how we divide who considered falls into the pedophile, creepy relative/friend file and who gets to walk around freely unpunished for their crimes. DO we react differently when it is our children who are hurt. But history has shown that not even that makes a difference. SO the question is what will it take to make things better, what will take to make people realize how detrimental all of this is. It affects us all whether we know it or not. 

Addressing Sexual Abuse

Many harp on the fact that something precious and sacred was taken at a young age if you were abused as a child. Something precious and sacred is taken no matter what age you are when sexual abuse/assault occurs. There are signs when the abuse occurs at a younger age. There are always signs many either don't know what to look for or prefer not to acknowledge what is happening; either of the above is saddening. Children should be protected. People fail to see that what is taken isn't something that you can get back. You can and will learn to deal with what has happened and get through life; but things will never be as they were before. You have seen the darker side of human nature, you understand first hand what people are capable of and so you will never again bask in the glow of ignorance. Your trust in people is shattered especially when no one come to your aid/defense. People try to rationalize what has happened and find excuses for the abuser, they even go so far as to blame the survivor, or insinuate that in some way it was enjoyed or wanted or a direct result of something we did or said. And so to those of you out there I say if you can’t say something intelligent please do us all a favor and remain quiet.We are taunted by our abusers words “You know you wanted it, You know you liked it.”

This is part of what is wrong with our world; we excuse the wrong doing of those we consider to be above the law; set a part by their wealth, beauty, brains, social status, etc.. We let those who are close to us or related to us off the hook for the crimes they have committed because they are family, because doing something about it would shame the family, and the excuses continue. We live in a society that wants women to imprison themselves in their homes (not that they are any safer there), we live in a society that says women should always be covered up, that says women shouldn't be assertive. We blame the survivor when it was never their fault, we ask them to excuse their abuser, to take into consideration what the abuser may have gone through, to look at their age, to examine how deep their pocket is etc...... how much more of ourselves are we expected to give up, where does it end for us, when does it become about what we went through, what we are going through and how we are dealing with it? No one asks to be sexually assaulted, no one asks to be raped, no one wants to be violated, no one asks to have parts of themselves stolen. Sexual Abuse isn’t only about the destruction/annihilation of one’s innocence but also about the disruption/eruption of their trust in people and the world around them. Everything that you are building as a child is all at once questioned; who do you trust, why is this happening, why is no one stopping it/protecting you. If you are an adult you see everyone as a potential threat, you blame yourself, question how it could have been avoided. SexualAbuse/Assault affects the abused at the very core of their being.

I make this public plea to start speaking up or helping in anyway to make a difference as Sexual abuse is on the rise in St.Lucia; 2 women were raped recently and we only know this because they came forward; there are still many who remain silent. Enough is not being done to protect survivors of sexual abuse, enough is not being done to bring those who offend to justice. Sexual abuse/assault is something that needs to be dealt with Caribbean wide. We can no longer continue to use the excuse “This is the Caribbean, what do you expect?”, we have to create the change that we want in the Caribbean, we have to be the one’s that get the ball rolling in the Caribbean.We have to attacked sexual abuse/assault as it is not only on the rise in St.Lucia but in so many other countries. Distance, geography, language, religion, age, status, race, etc. should not be factors that separate us as Sexual abuse doesn’t discriminate based on any of the above.

We have to believe it will get better, but we also have to fight to make it better.

Link to interview done with Sherry Dixon of Bangradio (UK)

http://www.bangradio.fm/index.php?s=ordinary+people+who+do+extraordinary+things

Fighters

The fight against sexual abuse has been a long standing one. We grew up in a society where at times these crimes were accepted but most times they were simply over looked. We were told by society, by family, by friends, by the law that these crimes were of no importance, that we should shut up and continue on in silence. That as we grew we would get over it, that we would forget. Those of us who have been victimized know that forgetting is not something that happens, that it takes time and help to get over it, that we need support and help. These crimes were not our fault, we did not instigate, we did not entice, we did not enjoy and we did not want it. Women over the years have been fighters; we fought to get to where we are today; there is a lot of room for growth, there is much to be done in terms of dealing with crimes of this nature, but we have to continue the fight, we have to stand up and shout to be heard. We have to stop being silent. We have opinions, we are in control and we have a say in what happens to our bodies and how we should be treated. We have to fight to see the changes we want. We have to fight......