Commentary

The battle to be heard is a constant one for a survivor of Sexual Assault. Our voices help us feel a bit more in control. We have been silent for so long that not many realize how much speaking up/out helps. Silence is what has helped hurt us more all these yrs. I think it ridiculous when ppl say get over it. Look how far you've come. Don't let him ruin your life. etc - Who are you to tell me to get over it. Until you've walked in my shoes you are in no position to set a time line on my recovery. Yes I've come far inspite of what was done to me- when you stood back & did nothing to help. That doesn't mean I am not struggling with the aftereffects. Don't let him ruin you. When that was happening & for years after I was alone. A part of me has already been ruined. I, on my own, am trying to piece myself back together. I am not sure what ppl think Sexual Assault is. Sexual Assault isn't something that you walk away from unscathed. No, pieces are broken, parts are taken. We work for years to find our way back. I find that ppl do nothing to help us- they blame us for what was done to us; they silence us & then... & then they turn around and have an opinion about the state/length of our recovery. How does one refuse to believe us, but then tell us when to get over something that didn't happen. HMMM isn't that a tad bit crazy. This is a particularly angering day - all the contradictions, all the ignorance, all the threats, all the guilting, all the sacrifice. What for - so that you, those who haven't been abused/assaulted get to walk around freely commenting on something you know nothing about. You think an individual.(man/woman) is raped and society blames them, asks them if they want to report anonymously. You wonder why should they be blamed, or made to feel shameful. A child( boy/girl) is abused & then the parents do nothing to protect, they again silence them & make them feel shame. One is left to wonder, what has to happen for us to no longer be shoved into silence & shame. What has to happen so the abuser is dealt with? What has to happen so that the abused are protected & supported? How much worse does it really have to get. Currently the stats on Sexual Assault are horrendous; child abuse is ever present in the lives of our children, men and women are constantly being raped yet we prefer to be blind to what is happening around us.

The Nature of the Beast.

Silence. Be Quiet. Don’t say those things. Keep it to yourself. You are embarrassing the family. Shhhh don’t tell anyone what he did to you. Why are you out to destroy him, ruin his reputation? These are but a few of the lines that abuse victims/survivors hear on a constant basis. For many of us one if not more of these lines were recited over an over to goad us into silence and for a long time many of us complied. Even when we don’t hear those things it is implied and so we keep Silent and Suffer. When we aren’t pushed into to being Silent we are Blamed for what was done to us against our will. Why was your dress so short? What were you doing at that bar? How many drinks did you have? You went out with him- you  must have seduced him. You started he was all into it, you can’t say no after. You wanted it. You liked? And the list continues. Society has continued to Blame the Abused over the years because it appears beyond the realm of thought that we were the innocent parties that we did nothing but were assaulted. It seems that to accept that Sexual Assault is something that happens on a constant basis is outside the common realm of thought. I am not sure when we became a society that excused the behavior of those who took advantage of the innocent but it appears that is where we are now.

I have found that no matter how many women I speak to, no matter what race, age, class,etc. they all have one thing in common. They were all told - Don’t tell, remain silent. This damages more than we will ever be adequately to explain or anyone will be able to quantify. Requesting/Demanding our silence only serves to reiterate what our abusers told us - That no-one will believe,no-one will care, no-one will do anything. By keeping us silent you allow them to walk freely, you allow them to continue abusing others; you send them the message that what they are doing is ok-that it is acceptable once it remains quiet. You send us the message that we are not worth protecting, that we did something wrong, that we have something to be ashamed of. You break whatever innocence is left in us, you erode our sense of trust in people, you destroy our sense of self-worth, of self-image, of happiness. At that moment and for very long after our sense of identity, of belonging is lost. SO many of us look in the mirror and can’t marry the image with who we are; so many can’t look in the mirror. We are left afraid of our shadows and bit by bit what we fought so hard to bury starts coming back full force - you’re being punched and kicked by horrible memories in every direction. Anyone who has been sexually assaulted is left feeling vulnerable and alone, so much is taken from us in that instant; and believe me it’s not anything we ever get back. We turn for support and there is none; instead we are blamed, we are left alone to stand and deal with what has happened & what continues to happen. We are asked to understand and excuse their actions. We expect that people will understand that no woman/man/child asks to be assaulted. Do you think one walks around asking to be sexually assaulted? It appears that is where the common thought lies; what other explanation could there be for everyone’s actions. 

I want those of you who have been victimized to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you have done nothing wrong. That what happened wasn’t your fault and contrary to popular actions & comments, you are not culpable in any of this. I know that for sometime know you have been told to BE QUIET to REMAIN SILENT, TO PROTECT YOUR ABUSER, TO REFRAIN FROM SHAMNG THE FAMILY - I am saying that it is ok to speak up; that part of recovery is releasing the secret, releasing their hold on you. We have suffered in silence for so long. It’s a hard road back- recovery isn’t easy but 1 day at a time, 1 baby-step at a time and you will make it. Know that no matter where you go or where you are, there are a family of survivors always with you, supporting you. Through time and understanding we learn how to deal with what was done to us; we learn to pin-point our triggers, to address the issues that have arisen because of what we went through. Through time we begin to love ourselves, to see the beauty in who we are, we learn that we are stronger than we ever believed, we learn to accept compliments and to believe that we are worthy of all the good things life has to offer.  Time will not heal all wounds but it will make the road to recovery easier; it will help you to start regaining control over your life. The hardest part of recovery I think, is accepting/acknowledging what was taken from you,what was done to you and coming to grips with the fact that people/family/friends didn’t support you, protect you or help you. Don’t give up on yourself.  

The Journey

Part of our journey through Childhood Sexual Abuse is about coming to terms with the fact that more wasn't done to protect us. That those who should've protected us didn't. When we start letting go of the illusions that we created we begin seeing things more clearly. It will be painful because much of what you see know is what you've been running away from for so long. There are days when it seems that you've had everything ripped from you. Sit & try to regain composure- no one can take anything from you anymore. Childhood Sexual Abuse leaves us feeling tiny and incapable of control. You are in control now. Take it 1 step at a time. Begin too see you happy & whole. You'll get there. We are not beyond hope. It feels that way alot of the time. But healing takes time. It takes time to change all the perceptions we created of others & ourselves. It's changing our mode of thought. Be patient, you will get there. Don't let the past dictate how you live in the future. Much of what we have been through & been taught was negative-devaluing-damaging. We now have the chance to teach ourselves to love who we are, to believe that we are worthy & deserve better lives that we started out with. Childhood Sexual Abuse isn't understood by many who haven't lived it- its along road to recovery but its a road that you can walk.

PROSAF

We want you all to know that we are happy that you have joined us onhttp://www.prosaf.org/; but we want this site to be not only for us and our journey to recovery & happiness but also about you and your journey. We have our ideas on what this site should have but we welcome your thoughts on what you want from us. What you would like to read. So please feel free to post and let us know your thoughts. The SSAITCO tab deals with Sexual Assault & the TTPO tab deals with ThePower OfOne. Any questions or comments can also be sent to ssaitco@hotmail.com . Thank you for joining us. PROSAF is your chance to speak up & out, to find support & resources, to find family who understands what u've been through & what you are going through. We value your input, we want it - let us know what you want us to include on the PROSAF site.

You are not alone.

The Beginning - Our Future

It’s a little over a year since the creation of the “Surviving Sexual Abuse in the Caribbean” Facebook and the power of one page https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF-Surviving-Sexual-Abuse-in-the-Caribbean/165341356853908 / https://www.facebook.com/pages/PROSAF_ThePower-OfOne/167808243298256?ref=pb and about 8-10 months since the creation of the twitter pages- http://twitter.com/#!/PROSAF_Sueezzy / http://twitter.com/#!/VelikaLawrence .We have recently invested and created our own website http://www.prosaf.org/ . PROSAF - Positive Reactions Over Secrets And Fear; was created to give survivors the chance to share their stories in a supportive environment.

The creation of these sites meant having to face the fact that I was sexually abused by my older half brother, It meant understanding that I would have to face the comments and judgments that came with this decision to speak up and out about my past and how it has impacted me and continues to affect me. It meant coming to grips with the fact that society is quicker to absolve and believe those who abuse that to support and believe those who are being/have been abused. It meant understanding the grave epidemic that affects out country-sexual assault is more common than we are willing to  believe and more common than statistics show. Sexual Assault is one of the most under-reported crimes an contrary to popular belief it isn’t about sex but about power & control over another human being.  In the end the decision to do it all was worth it. There is a large part of me that feels liberated and free for taking the opportunity to do this- a chance to let other survivors know they are not alone; that we are a family of survivors, that there is hope for the future.  

I knew when I left college that I wanted to find a way to change our circumstances in St.Lucia. I wanted to actually stand up for women’s rights, for their right to freedom, to voice their opinions, for their rights to be seen and treated as individuals who are worthy, to fight for their right to be treated properly. I think speaking out allows us to take a step in the right direction; we are no longer holding onto this secret, we are no longer protecting our abusers. Speaking out also allows you to voice what happened, to face it, it helps break down some of the illusions you created that you so desperately needed to get through your horrible times. Addressing the issues that arise with Childhood Sexual Abuse, Rape & various forms of Sexual Assault isn’t easy but it is necessary. 

I fooled myself into believing that I could shut the door, not address and it would just go away but that hasn’t been the case. I can tell you that the issues that arise out of what we have been through don’t just disappear, it takes hard work and time to get through it. At some point we have to be honest with ourselves and face the harsh realities of what has been done to us. I have found that in order for us to heal we have to face it, we have to address it. That is what these sites were created to do; to give you a safe place to voice what happened to you, how you felt, how you feel, to give you the chance to be surrounded by people who went through the something similar and to be able to get resources that can help.

PROSAF- Positive Reactions Over Secrets & Fear is comprised of  2 sections SSAITCO-Surviving Sexual Abuse in The Caribbean and  ThePower Ofone created by Velika Lawrence- below she explains in her own words what ThePower Ofone is.  ThePower Ofone refers to the idea that each individual and each single family unit are capable and have a responsibility to each other, and to society as long as they are existing. Growing up under circumstances where I found herself having to adapt and move forward constantly in changing environments, I recognized that most of my peers did not have the aptitude that I did. I was fortunate enough to have parents who were committed to educating my siblings and myself  in age appropriate methods, about life and its many challenges and harsh realities. I realized that most people I grew up with did not have the advantage of understanding the value of perspective and reality, with the option of various tools for coping with emotions and facts. I have found that the majority of people in our communities are complacent and feel comfortable with being apathetic and irresponsible. This attitude and approach to life in general does promote the overall quality of life. The goal of ThePower Ofone is to encourage a more progressive perspective in all communities. There is a great need for all forms of education at all levels and ages and a need to redefine the responsibility of ever member of society; starting in the home.

The idea behind PROSAF- Positive Reactions of Secrets & Fear, was to educate, empower, support & inspire all to make change, to seek change and to understand the need for change.  Over time we have grown  connected to the triumphs over challenges faced in the family & our daily lives because of our experiences. Dealing with the feelings of fear, confusion and anger, self worth were a huge part of the steps to move forward. We have found that in seeking support from others, we came into contact with many others who have suffered similar experiences. This motivated us to be part of the change we wanted for ourselves and for others who are still trapped physically and psychologically. PROSAF is our contribution to the steps to move forward through challenges faced by the family unit and the effect of sexual abuse on a victim or survivor. 

Different Part of the Past

What Happened::Sou,28

I am a survivor of Sibling Sexual Abuse. Somedays I feel like a victim but most days I know I am a survivor. I was born in the beautiful island of St.Lucia in the Caribbean. I come from a family of 5 with my abuser being the 6th. He is my older half brother. I suffered quite a bit at his hands and have been slowly putting the pieces back together. Some days are harder than other but I know that through it all I am stronger and wiser and while he has stolen much from me; there is hope for me to be whole again. My abuse does’t define me; it is something that he did to me; it is not who I am.

I am the second child of my mother but 1st for my father. I came along and maybe stole some of his thunder. So from the age of about 4 my sexual abuse started and later included physical and psychological. My memories of what exactly were done to me when I was young have been carefully tucked away for so long that trying to get to them has been hard. I couldn’t tell you how it started but I remember the progressions. My earliest memory of something being wrong was about 4; we were playing on a bed under the sheets. I can’t tell you what exactly happened but I have the memory of someone asking what was going on and saying this would be discussed when my mom got home. I can’t tell you if the discussion ever took place I don’t remember but if it did it never stopped him if anything it made him go further. That I believe was the beginning. He would offer to read to me at nights and wait until I fell asleep to get under the covers behind me. Then he would push it between my legs from behind. I would squeeze my legs together to push it out but that never stopped him; in fact it caused him to push harder. I learned to stop and just let it happen. Once he was done he would get up and leave. I tried to fight falling asleep but he would wait until Id fallen asleep to come back. I would say I didn’t want him to read to me but then the questions would come as to why I didn’t want him reading. He was always so eager to read my parents thought it was good for us both. There is one memory that has stuck with me no matter what I do. He has me kneeling on the floor and he’s behind me- the next thing I know I have sperm running down my legs, my mom has just pulled into the drive way and he says go clean up. He walks out like nothing has happened and my mom never suspects a thing. 

The threats of being hated by my parents if I told were a constant. They will be angry at you he would say; they will never do me anything. And years after I sit and think he was right all along. They never did him anything he was never punished, never reprimanded. Im not sure what I expected but I didn’t expect him to get away with it. I confront him every chance I get; because for the most part I believe I am not believed. He used to deny it but not he just says and so what. His stories as to what happened and how many times it happened and why it happened vary constantly. Then i sit and reflect on what he’s done to me, what he’s said to me and how that has made me feel and can’t find it in me to ever forgive him.  I can’t see how anyone else can forgive him. He lives at home with my parents now; and once again it feels like I am the one who has done something wrong. My aunt has told me to stop trying to ruin his life; that I should remain silent. My cousin has said that he didn’t know what he was doing. He is 9 years older than me. That would have made him 13 when he started abusing me. And if he didn’t know then then how does he explain the next 7 years of abuse? And if he didn’t know what he was doing was wrong then why threaten me?

For a long time I have hated me. Never really felt that I fit in anywhere or that I belonged. Never thought that I was worthy of love. Never liked what I saw in the mirror when I saw anything at all. I have made my body my canvas and sought to surround myself with images of strength and beauty. I think that all of us who are survivors of sexual assault deal with these issues. We lose who we are through the abuse and have a hard time trying to find a way back. But there is always a path that leads to happiness and fulfillment. Its not always an easy road but we are survivors. We are not alone in our pursuit of happiness there are other walking beside us, ahead of us and behind us. Don’t give up or in. Our voices will lead us to freedom. We speak out to help ourselves and those around us. This is a battle for many.

I fight for women of the Caribbean who are afraid to speak out. 

Domestic Abuse, Molestation & Betrayal by Xynobia Froliquor Law

Domestic Abuse, Molestation and Betrayal1Problem(Circumstance). 2Solution(Reaction). 3Responisbility(Blame vs Acceptance). 
There is always a choice...  

1. From age 3 I can remember the tension in the house. The sadness. The fear. The anger. The Hurt. The struggle of my young mother trying to do her best with our "situation". The physical and verbal abuse meted out by my biological father to my mother finally led to the end of ten years of their marriage.
 
I was 8 when I realized what my young uncle had done was wrong even if he was 10yrs old at the time. He was also a victim of circumstances but the damage had been done.  I would pray at night for me to stop hurting myself the way he would hurt me. I struggled for years with this problem until about age 17. I was disappointed in myself, I was angry and I was scared. I felt stupid for "allowing" it to hurt me the way "i let it"- guilt. I felt I was still "better off" than many others who had actually been raped but a violation is just that, a violation.  
 
I was 18, I trusted a friend who took advantage of me in his father's house. His family was home. I was too embarrassed to say anything. I just layed there and prayed that it would be over soon. I left the house. Smiled like nothing ever happend. I was angry. Why wasnt I strong enough to fight him off? I didnt tell anyone so I would see him in common circles and was left alone with him again and he tried again. Then one day very long after I accepted a ride from him. I cant explain what I could have been hoping or thinking. There was a time when I guess I just felt that worthless. I thought I could reason with him. I don't know. Writing this years later it puzzles me. I suppose that is how low i was.
 
I was 22 when I was moving into my new apartment. I asked a "good friend" of mine to help. He took advantage of me. I did nothing. I layed there. I didnt even fight him off too much because I didnt want to make my new landlords get the wrong idea of me. Is it that I wasn't learning my lesson? Is it that men or people cannot be trusted? Out of all the people I've met, those three are the only ones who ever betrayed me in that way. I cannot go around living my life in fear. I tell myself that but at times I get paranoid about people. It twists your mind and toys with your emotions. You question your judgement. You blame yourself. 
 
I live with a diagnosis as a result of molestation which I only confirmed at age 23, because in the beginning there were no signs and I was not severly affected by it. This has caused me great distress and depression. I have gone to bed hoping never to akwaken. I have been to the lowest place in my life that I am ever going to allow my mental and emotional states to sink to. I felt totally worthless/ugly and destroyed and I WILL NEVER ALLOW ANYONE OR ANYTHING TO MAKE ME QUESTION MY WORTH AGAIN. 
 
My circumstances, like everyone else's have made me the woman I am today. I have put myself in situations that were dangerous because of my low self esteem. I have challenged myself to rise above that low consciousness. Self sabotage is very serious. I'd like to think that I'm continuing learning from the tests I been allowed to take in this life. People try to undervalue or over value what I went through for unbalanced conveniences but their negative contributions have no weight on my mind and heart. I have been cursed with a blessing; the ability to proactively and humbly seek and accept the truth- at all cost to myself. 


I am hard on the man I love because I always feel like I want to know the truth so badly. I find myself being over protective in that way. I rather live one milisecond of truth and happiness than a lifetime of false bliss. Ignorance is bliss is most definitely not my motto. I find that if someone is to live that way it simply encourages lies, and incomplete truths. I feel that if you are going to hurt me today or tomorrow, you may as well hurt me now and get it over with. This can sometimes come out like I have no patience. I dont exactly know how but I suppose it can be a bit unfair. However, it is the way I know. For me it is what works. I am willing to modify and improve but that will take time. Like everything else in life it is a process. To me there is no such thing asTMI when it comes to the people in your life who you affect or have an effect on. As relatives of each other, I feel that it is important to always be honest and open minded about our elvolving situations. It is important to ask the right questions, seek the right answers and never get complacent.
 
2. Not every circumstance has a direct solution on you. Your reaction and perception of what happens and why it happens has a lot of weight on how we cope effectively. It is a long process but it is not impossible to rise and heal. I was blessed to be raised spiritually and to have family support when I decided to finally unfold. It has been extremely hard but everyday is different.  Every step forward is progress and I will get where I need to be. Just as all of us will. The challenge is taking that first step and realizing that you are not alone. Our reactions and solutions will vary based on our peerceived ability,support and circumstance but please promise yourself to try. I dont care if you have to cry every day till you throw up like I did. YOU DESERVE MENTAL FREEDOM to take care of you. Start somewhere please.

3. Our responsibilty to ourselves is all that we have. Being a victim there is not much support or understanding at all. NO GUIDANCE...no one knows WHERE TO GO FROM HERE. You are forced to quiickly heal/get over it/move on etc. Most people on the outside looking in dont understand at all. They wish you would shut up. They want to protect themselves and a perfect concept of society. A lot of victims have LIED TO THEMSELVES AND ALLOWED THEMSELVES TO FORGET IT EVER HAPPENED. You cannot hide from youself or experiences. Please understand you are not just a victim- you are a survivor and you can grow/heal/help by being honest with yourself and others.
 
I commend anyone who is able to speak out about their unfortunate experiences period. Being a victim of sexual harassment or abuse like many circumstances, is not easy to deal with. The stages you go through are underestimated; coming to terms and accepting the reality of what happened, waking up everyday after it happened, enduring and adjusting if it is a persistent problem, finding someone to trust with your experience, actually trusting them and telling them the whole truth without trying to lie about it for fear it makes you sound remotely responsible, coping with the fact that you have just let out a big "negative truth" about yourself to someone and hoping that you can actually trust them, dealing with their reaction and using that as a basis for what other people may say or do if you told them or they found out, actually finally coping successfully and being able to separate that bad experience from other relationships. It's a continuous challenge. 
 
Society encourages fear. They want us to protect the abuser and their loved ones. That is an unfair burden to carry. We already deal the the violation; physical, mental, emotional, psychological pain and unexplainable/unjustifiable guilt. It takes a humility, courage and strength to speak out again any form of abuse.  I remember when I finally started opening up about my experiences. I found out about so many people who went through similar situations. WHY DON'T WE SPEAK?. It made me feel like hypocrite. I have a little sister, friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, (lets not leave out men and strangers). It is not your fault if someone chooses to violate you. Sadly however, it is your responsibility as a survivor to speak out about it. I know if the people who hurt me hurt someone else I would feel guilty for not giving the next person a heads up about the characteristics of the man or woman they are about to come into contact with. Yes I understand you cant save everyone but at least speaking out provides comfort and support for other people who have it worse. Know that you are not alone. It does get better and I do believe with the right support it can eventually go away. At least the day will come when it is not the first thing you wake up with on your mind.
 
I will will leave you with this as my main point. In all areas you will find people better off and worse off. Learn from the ignorant and the wise. Pray. Every step forward is progress - no matter how minimal...you are making progress nonetheless. Even when people try to put you down about your situations or try to make you feel as though you should have known better you didn't do it to yourself- THAT PERSON HAD A CHOICE -THEY NEED HELP. Learn to forgive. DO NOT FORGET. In some instances we allow people to treat us without respect. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!- and remove yourself from a bad situation. You can have all the help and support in the world but until you love yourself...nothing can be done...
 
I dedicate my life to being a servant of the people by providing love and a listening ear...Ability without utility is waste and I am grateful to have made it this far...I only want to grow.
 
Thank you Soubi for doing this. Keep on keeping on. I appreciate your support and your daring nature. "Ever onward and upward-Ever forward and faster"(Wind In The Willows)